I’ve had my run-ins with the green-eyed monster over the years, but after 25 years of marriage I thought I’d slain that dragon once and for all.
Turns out I was wrong.
In the early days of our marriage, I really struggled with jealousy, particularly when our kids were little. The hubster worked in an office full of women, which made me feel like I was sending him into a tank of man-hungry piranhas every morning. I could see them in my mind’s eye – dressed attractively and perfectly made up, with their sleek hairstyles, high heels, and perfume.
And why wouldn’t I be worried? My hubster is one handsome, charming guy – surely other women noticed?!
It didn’t help my self-esteem, that I wasn’t exactly a vision of loveliness as I kissed the hubster goodbye as he left for work each morning. I was usually still in my jammies with hair resembling a bird’s nest, and clutching a baby with a nappy in desperate need of changing, reeking of eau-de-poo.
Then I actually met the women the hubster worked with, and my fears were relieved somewhat 😉 .
I’m happy to report that these days, I’m much more secure in our love and rarely give that ol’ green-eyed monster a thought – so was surprised to be threatened by it again, recently.
Except this time it’s not the hubster that is the focus of my jealousy.
It’s our daughter, the delightful Miss 19.
You see, she gets on so well with her boyfriend’s parents that I can practically feel my eyes changing colour from blue to green.
On the one hand, I’m thrilled that they appreciate our wonderful daughter (and so they should!). Perhaps they are laying the foundation for a wonderful in-law relationship down the track.
And I’m not totally unreasonable. I can understand how much the boyfriend’s mother is enjoying having a substitute daughter in her life, as she has two sons.
Except – this is MY daughter we’re talking about. And I don’t feel like sharing! Humph.
Funnily enough, a character in the novel* I’m reading at the moment expressed it really well:
“It’s tough being a parent. You’re a rock star when your kids are tiny,
everything to them, but before you know it …
you’re left trying to lure them into spending time with you,
laying a trail of breadcrumbs to bring them to your gingerbread house.”
Like most young adults, Miss 19 is rarely home these days, spending most of her time with her boyfriend. But what makes me jealous is hearing that Miss 19 has watched a movie with her boyfriend’s family, or gone shopping with his mum, or shared meals or anything else with them.
I feel a physical pain inside when I see the photos the “other mother” puts on Facebook, especially the selfies with my daughter; and when she posts statuses about “all” her family, tagging MY daughter among them!
Do you have any hints or tips for me on handling my feelings about being a jealous parent?!
*Breakfast in Bed by Eleanor Moran.
Not having felt much love from my in-laws over the past 20 plus years, I think your daughter is one lucky girl.
I have felt the same way and berated myself for being mean spirited with both my son and daughter in similar situation. You’re right, like you, I thought that I’d sent the green-eyed monster back under the bridge where he belonged during the early years of marriage, but it seems he’s alive and well now the kids are grown up. On the one hand I’m so delighted that our children have the love and support of the ‘in-laws’ and it proves that we’ve done a good job in bringing up decent and lovely human beings, on the other hand the little Gollum inside me is saying, “They are yours, my precious,” in an insidious way and urging me to lure them back anywhichway!
No advice but my deepest empathy. I have seen this happen to a couple of friends and your feelings are real. Not only because you have put all that hard work in and now want to reap the rewards of a lovely young woman to hang out with but also because they just spend more time away and seeing them is so precious. Perhaps setting up some regular time during the week for your fix could work. But imagine if no one wanted to hang out with her because she was awful! Mel xx #IMustConfess
Oh darling. Just think about how you would feel if they treated her poorly. The best way to stay involved is to make your enemies your friends. Have them over .. And then start to stork her online.. Lol
I haven’t gotten to this stage yet, so I’m not sure what to tell you. I must admit that not having a daughter I do sort of have my fingers crossed that one day I’ll have at least one daughter-in-law who feels like a daughter. I’m sure Miss 18 is still devoted to you and like Natalie says it’s better that than them treating her poorly.
I imagine that what you’re feeling is fairly normal, but (without incriminating myself) your daughter is so so so lucky and I am so happy for her. I know my mum has felt a bit put out at times because my inlaws are like walking drama headlines taking my/our time/energy/mind away constantly, rather than for positive reasons and it has a negative and draining effect on everyone. OK so I incriminated myself. Don’t out me haha.
Trust me, you don’t want that.
I have sat invisible at many a family function, feeling resentful, tired, misunderstood and unappreciated. While I know that is certainly not anyone’s intention (they are just a tad self absorbed), it can be tough. Your daughter is lucky and she’ll never forget where it’s all at. If she does, you can definitely tell her you’re missing her and to remember you. My mum had to do that sometimes in the early days (when I was stupidly trying to impress my inlaws and my then boyfriend at 18) and it reminded me to pull my head in. As long as there’s some balance between families, I think you’re all very lucky.
I understand how you feel Janet, but Natalie is right – imagine if she were being treated poorly. At least they like her! Yes, do make a regular time to catch up with her and do something that’s special and just for the two of you on a weekly or fortnightly basis. She’s in love and probably can’t see what the problem is! Don’t worry, she’ll always be your baby girl 🙂
I think you just have to fake it till you make it. Pretend you are happy about how well she fits in and always be supportive of it. It’s the only way to go. Even if you never make it at least Miss 18 will think you are a cool Mum, not afraid to let her mix with her boyfriend’s family. You can do it!
I don’t have any advice, but I have clicked the “follow-up comments by email” option below so I can read what others say. I feel the green-eyed monster here with Miss 11 wanting to do things with her friends, whereas once upon a time she was happy to be my little buddy. I do hope your monster leaves soon. xo
It’s great you love your daughter so much! I feel a bit of the green-eyed monster when my daughter’s mother in law gets the two littlest grandkids for two weeks in a row but after having them all to myself for two days solo I was overwhelmed with gratitude that she is so helpful! We’re all in this together — all working towards the same goal.
Such an honest post, I am not sure I have any tips for you, because I think I would feel much the same. I can say that as a divorced parent I have to share my daughter with her father and her fathers new partner, and I take a lot of comfort from the fact that there is so much that my daughter shares only with me, and that the history is un-replaceable. I hope that your readers have some far more practical advice than I do xxx
I remember feeling this way once when my son was spending a lot of time with his good mate at his parent’s house. It appeared that they lavished him with more attention and much tastier food than I did (the mum was a stay-at-home mum, so had time to bake). It really got up my nose! However, your kids only have one mum and they will always seek us out when they need us and want to hang out with us. They all come back to the nest eventually.
Oh, I think I’d be (I’m almost ashamed to say it) exactly the same! I reckon I’d know more daggy pop songs though and therefore am cooller 🙂
I am so hearing you, wait till you have to share them at Christmas. I become a most unpleasant beast, sulking, crying and throwing my toys out of the cot spring to mind x
I suspect what you are feeling is very normal. I think my own mum went through it when I first met Nathan and got on so well with his family. Now my two mums are really close and instead of losing a daughter, she has gained a son and really close friends as well. Fingers crossed it will be the same for you – but for now, what you are feeling is completely normal and proves what a loving mumma you are x
It is certainly difficult when our kids fly the coop, and another family moves into our child’s space. I felt like I was competing all the time, and could not compete with my son’s new mother-in-law. All you can do is smile, be a pacifier and be there whenever they need you. Be happy that she gets on so well with her in-laws. She has to show them that she is good enough for their son! As a mother of a son I know what it is like casting the eye over the prospective girl to size up whether she is suitable
Be happy. It was great to meet you today over on Lifestyle Fifty.