Driving home from a seminar some years ago, I puzzled over what I had learned.
It was horrible weather – torrential rain – yet despite that I had been so intrigued by the topic, that I was lured away from the comfort of my own couch for the evening.
That topic was the Five Love Languages as devised by Dr Gary D Chapman in his book of the same name. But I just couldn’t work out which love language best applied to me – or what the hubster’s was, either!
The Five Love Languages
In case you’re not familiar with the concept, the five love languages are:
- Quality Time
- Words of Affirmation
- Gifts
- Touch
- Acts of Service
Although we all give and receive love in all of these ways, usually one language is dominant. It can be a real advantage to your relationship, when you know and can communicate love to your partner, in their particular language (and vice versa).
Can’t Work Out Your Love Language? Here’s Why:
I’ve since learned that if you are finding it hard to decide which is your primary language, it’s either because:
- your love tank is empty and you have very little in the way of loving experiences in your relationship to draw on, OR
- your love tank is so full that you’re really not sure just how it got that way.
Thankfully, the latter applied to me – what can I say, I have a wonderful hubster!
I just couldn’t decide what the hubster’s love language was – until I got home …
As I turned into our driveway, I noticed that the roller door was up, and the garage light on – a welcoming beacon on such a stormy night.
And that’s when it hit me – ACTS OF SERVICE! The hubster had thoughtfully prepared for my return, so that I didn’t have to clamber out of the car in the rain to open the garage door (we didn’t have a remote back then).
As for me? I’m guessing my primary love language is either touch, or words of affirmation – but as long as my love tank is filled regularly, I’m certainly not complaining 😉 !
What do you think is your love language?! (If you’re really stuck, you can do a quick quiz online to work out your love language)
Linking up with Essentially Jess, because I Blog On Tuesdays.
With thanks to my friend Courtney for reminding me of this story!
Great post – I read the book many years ago and found it very insightful. I think my love languages are touch and gifts, which can be tricky when you have people in your life who really dislike touch, and/or dislike receiving gifts or feel the need to always be ‘equal’ in gift giving. But it certainly taught me to view others differently and with more understanding, and not to expect everyone to react/feel the same way you would in various situations. I think everyone should read this book!
I do too Emily – it’s something we can use in all our relationships, not just with our significant other. I’ve found it helpful with my kids – Mr 21 is words of affirmation, and Miss 19 is touch 🙂 .
Acts of Service is definitely high on my list! I wasn’t really sure, but your example is right on the money. When you come home and dinner is prepared, or wine is chilling, or any thoughtful act, that is golden!
It must be high on my list too Jess because things like that certainly make me feel loved 🙂
Oh I am really obvious – I’m an acts of service girl all the way! It’s because I’m a total pragmatist. Nothing romantic in me at all. LOL!
It seems to be a very common first language judging from the comments here!
Ooh I’d love to do that quiz when I have time. Maybe later tonight. I’m thinking though that mine is words of affirmation and touch and my husband’s would be touch. Fun post, Janet. Love it. #teamIBOT
It’s useful even with your kids too Renee, and fun trying to work them out!
I used to be so clear on it, but these days I have no idea! I think it really depends on so many things. I’m a very practical person so I like acts of service. I also love gifts, but things I need or really want; not just something for the sake of it. And I like words but if they are justified. Hate fluff talk. I also like touch and quality time when I need it. Not at other times.
Poor Boatman. He’s constantly on his toes. 😉
I’ve realised I definitely give love in an acts of service way, but maybe that’s just what we do as mums?! And too rarely receive it so we REALLY notice and appreciate it when it does happen?
Acts of Service is mine and Touch is my husbands and we are both going against the grain in that respect! I struggle on being touchy feeling and he thinks being touchy is showing love but I find it annoying and would rather he did the dishes! LOL. I think we need to discuss this one further!
My hubster is really affectionate and cuddly, thank goodness, as my strongest love language is definitely touch. But I think as mums we really notice and appreciate acts of service, as it is something we are continually giving but not so much on the receiving end.
You definitely cracked gold, Janet. How thoughtful your husband is. Mine always rushes out when I arrive home from shopping to help me with the groceries (if he hasn’t come along to help me). I’ll have to do the quiz to find out what I do for him.
There’s no doubt we both have treasures Pinky – and no I don’t mean they should be buried LOL x
I really enjoyed the book also, it helped me to appreciate that even how we give and receive love is different for everyone. Therefore, people whose love language is gifts are not necessarily greedy or selfish. In the same way the love language of touch does not indicate issues if lust, but rather reveals the wonderful diversity of humanity. My love language is quality time, which can be draining on others at times.
I think the hubster has quality time as a very close second so I do understand what you mean when you say it can be draining at times for others. But isn’t that what real love is about – being prepared to give and sacrifice for the other person?!
Mine is an acts of service type of guy too! Because I am so busy working from home I tend to neglect the housework so he helps me out a lot. He is also a touchy feely type of guy whereas I can be a bit distant. I will have to do the survey to find out what type I am.
Sounds like you have a treasure right there Kathy! 🙂