Once again, there are calls for the smacking of children to be totally outlawed in Australia. Others believe it is only a matter of time.
The Royal Australasian College of Physicians believes that as a society we should have rules to protect our children from abuse, just like we do for adults.
Of course, this assumes that all smacking of children is actually abuse. That there is no such thing as a right way to smack.
I disagree – even though I was abused physically as a child, by a parent with severe mental health issues.
I am also the parent of two grown children. And yes, I did sometimes smack my children when they were small.
Is there a Right Way to Smack?
From my experience, there is a BIG difference between a “smack” and “child abuse”. But before discussing the factors that separate the two, we need to consider the GOAL of any form of parental discipline – whether it be a spanking, time-out, or withdrawal of some form of privilege eg screen time.
Ideally as parents, our role is to train our children to use positive behaviours appropriately (eg saying “please” or “thank you”), while teaching them that other behaviours are unacceptable or even dangerous (eg spitting at others, running across the road).
Ever since the days of Pavlov, psychologists the world over agree that reinforcing the positive behaviours we would like to see repeated is the most effective way to train children, adults and even dogs!
A smack for the failure to say “thank you”, is therefore not likely to achieve the aim of encouraging your child to use their manners more regularly.
However, in the case of the toddler reaching for the stove, knife or other dangerous object, a firm NO with a smack to the hand can be very helpful in communicating danger. The message: it hurts (both the smack to the hand and the dangerous behaviour)!
The Right Way to Smack
On the other hand, smacking your sixteen year old because she has violated curfew? It’s not likely to affect her future behaviour; in fact, she’ll probably laugh in your face – or smack you back!
In my own parenting experience, I have found there is a decreasing need for smacking which corresponds directly to the child’s increasing age. Brisbane Psychologist Joey Tai, who frequently works with children and adolescents, agrees. “Smacking should be completely phased out before the child has reached puberty, as by then you are able to fully reason with them and use other forms of reward or punishment.”
Perhaps as a result of my own abusive childhood, I had stopped using a smack as discipline by the mid primary school years. Of course, there were still times when my children made me incredibly angry …
Your Mood when you Smack
… But that didn’t mean I lashed out with a smack. Because the Golden Rule for parents should be: NEVER smack in anger. A smack given in anger is not about teaching your child; it is you using physical violence to vent your own feelings. (Have I done it? Yes, because I’m not a perfect parent. But I regret each instance).
Tai agrees. “I think it is best to keep it (smacking) private – because it spares the child embarrassment, and it also allows you to calm down before delivering the punishment. The worst thing you can do is to spank a child when you are angry, as the child is able to detect it and that’s when it crosses the border to become abuse.”
And afterwards, Tai believes, “smacking should always be followed up with an explanation of why it occurred.”
As my own experience shows, there is a world of difference between smacking a child, and physical abuse.
Is there a right way to smack? Did/do you smack your children? What other disciplinary strategies have you found effective?