Once again, there are calls for the smacking of children to be totally outlawed in Australia. Others believe it is only a matter of time.
The Royal Australasian College of Physicians believes that as a society we should have rules to protect our children from abuse, just like we do for adults.
Of course, this assumes that all smacking of children is actually abuse. That there is no such thing as a right way to smack.
Me at age 16 – can you see the cut and bruising on my cheek, neck and eye?
I disagree – even though I was abused physically as a child, by a parent with severe mental health issues.
I am also the parent of two grown children. And yes, I did sometimes smack my children when they were small.
Is there a Right Way to Smack?
From my experience, there is a BIG difference between a “smack” and “child abuse”. But before discussing the factors that separate the two, we need to consider the GOAL of any form of parental discipline – whether it be a spanking, time-out, or withdrawal of some form of privilege eg screen time.
Ideally as parents, our role is to train our children to use positive behaviours appropriately (eg saying “please” or “thank you”), while teaching them that other behaviours are unacceptable or even dangerous (eg spitting at others, running across the road).
Ever since the days of Pavlov, psychologists the world over agree that reinforcing the positive behaviours we would like to see repeated is the most effective way to train children, adults and even dogs!
A smack for the failure to say “thank you”, is therefore not likely to achieve the aim of encouraging your child to use their manners more regularly.
However, in the case of the toddler reaching for the stove, knife or other dangerous object, a firm NO with a smack to the hand can be very helpful in communicating danger. The message: it hurts (both the smack to the hand and the dangerous behaviour)!
The Right Way to Smack
On the other hand, smacking your sixteen year old because she has violated curfew? It’s not likely to affect her future behaviour; in fact, she’ll probably laugh in your face – or smack you back!
In my own parenting experience, I have found there is a decreasing need for smacking which corresponds directly to the child’s increasing age. Brisbane Psychologist Joey Tai, who frequently works with children and adolescents, agrees. “Smacking should be completely phased out before the child has reached puberty, as by then you are able to fully reason with them and use other forms of reward or punishment.”
Perhaps as a result of my own abusive childhood, I had stopped using a smack as discipline by the mid primary school years. Of course, there were still times when my children made me incredibly angry …
Your Mood when you Smack
… But that didn’t mean I lashed out with a smack. Because the Golden Rule for parents should be: NEVER smack in anger. A smack given in anger is not about teaching your child; it is you using physical violence to vent your own feelings. (Have I done it? Yes, because I’m not a perfect parent. But I regret each instance).
Tai agrees. “I think it is best to keep it (smacking) private – because it spares the child embarrassment, and it also allows you to calm down before delivering the punishment. The worst thing you can do is to spank a child when you are angry, as the child is able to detect it and that’s when it crosses the border to become abuse.”
And afterwards, Tai believes, “smacking should always be followed up with an explanation of why it occurred.”
As my own experience shows, there is a world of difference between smacking a child, and physical abuse.
Is there a right way to smack? Did/do you smack your children? What other disciplinary strategies have you found effective?
Katyberry says
I try not to smack, because almost 100% of the time when I do it is out of anger. On occasion I will be honest and say that I have lost control and hit and hit and hit. There is no question in my mind that this is not a matter of discipline.
I have learnt to walk away when I get ANGRY angry. Or I yell and swear, which clearly isn’t great either, but it’s better than lashing out physically, and easier to calm down from and talk about.
I’ve made great inroads into my ability to manage my anger, and I rarely find myself “losing it” these days. Interestingly, as much as it is clear I have a temper at home, it is pretty much only ever my children that bring it out of me. In fact I would never have thought I could be like this before I had kids.
Hope this makes sense, & just to clarify, I’m bringing up healthy happy kids – I’m not a monster.
Janet says
Hi Katyberry, I’d say you’re only human and welcome to the club! Somehow our kids just know how to press our buttons.
Lara @ This Charming Mum says
It’s such a divisive topic isn’t it? In principle, I don’t agree with smacking because I don’t think it teaches kids anything except that hitting is OK. BUT, have I done it? Yes. I’ve ‘lashed out’ as you’ve described on a couple of occasions when every single button was being pushed – and I felt SO bad about it. I know kids who are regularly smacked and others who have never been smacked – and to be honest, there’s not that much difference in their behaviour. Being a calmer parent is the key to having calmer kids, I think, but it is definitely not easy to be calm some days!
Janet says
Yep, I’m hearing ya Lara!
Lisa Wood says
Yes I used to smack but this was before my parenting skills/lifestyle changed. Now I listen and there is no need to smack.
I too have “lost it” with my kids – but again I now know when my limit is reached and I walk away to cool down before dealing with the situation.
I guess everyone is different, every parent is different, and every kids is different….what works for me wont work for another family!!
And I think that “being what I want to see in my children works well” 🙂
Janet says
Absolutely Lisa – I also found that what worked for one child didn’t necessarily work for the other.
Bronnie says
I was also smacked as a child, and I don’t smack as a parent. I won’t say I haven’t felt like doing it … or haven’t raised my hand … but I stop and then I walk away. My heart aches for your 16-year-old self.
Janet says
Me too Bronnie. But 46 year old me is making sure she gets all the loving she needs!
Lydia C. Lee says
I have taken to making my middle son do a page of maths (or naplan test) as punishment, because nothing works at all, not no tv, not no computer, not even no dessert. So I’m thinking, it may not stop the behaviours, but at least he may improve his school work – and he totally hates it, and it makes him sit still and out of trouble for 15 minutes…
Lydia C. Lee says
And that what works for one child doesn’t work for another is so true. With my eldest, we just had to count to three. A friend once asked, what happens when you get to 3, do you smack him? I was stunned – I didn’t actually know what happened if we got to three because we never got there…we hadn’t actually worked out the rest of the punishment.
Janet says
LOL that is so try Lydia! My eldest sounds similar to yours. A stern word and cross look and he would toe the line. Miss 16 on the other hand loves people and being in the middle of things, so time out in her room or grounding her has always seemed the worst ever punishment to her.
Lizzy Allan says
What an excellent post, Janet, so honesty and insightful. I am so sorry for the pain you went through in your childhood. I love how you write that we should focus on the ‘goal’ we want to achieve – that’s so helpful in reminding us that smacking is counterproductive. I also like how you mention that positive reinforcement is so powerful. Yes, I have smacked in the past and yes, I have felt racked with guilt afterwards and hated myself for it. None of us are perfect parents, but we can all learn to improve our parenting. Thank you for this post. xx
Janet says
Thank you so much Lizzy for your kind words. It was a post and a viewpoint that has been brewing in my head for quite some time, even though my kids are well past the age of smacking!
Kathy Marris says
I’m so sorry that you were physically abused as a young girl. That must have been a very difficult thing to deal with. As for the debate on whether we should smack our children I am definitely an advocate for smacking kids under certain circumstances. Sometimes, as you say, when your child is in danger, the ‘naughty corner’ just won’t cut it. You have a responsibility as a parent to protect your children from harm and if this involves giving them a little whack around the legs to stop them from running out onto a busy road, then it is ok. I agree that hitting your child in anger is not acceptable but we are not perfect and sometimes kids do tend to push us to our limits.
Janet says
Hi Kathy, it was painful but I didn’t really know any differently as a youngster, it was only when I grew up and left home that I realised my experiences were not “normal”. It’s been a long slow healing process, helped a lot by my awesome loving husband, and also by my faith in God. xxx
Jody at Six Little Hearts says
This is a beautifully written article Janet and thanks for sharing. My smacks are so pathetic anyway but I do remember being hit with wooden spoons and belts which I do equate with abuse. To this day I cannot fathom how my parents could wield such weapons! No matter how annoyed I get I couldn’t use an object against one of my children. Talking quietly to them and sternly usually hits the spot perfectly.
You look so sad in that picture I want to give you a hug!
Jan says
I am so sorry you suffered from abuse in your childhood, these memories must be hard for you. This got me thinking back to my childhood, and really I cannot ever remember being smacked once, but I can remember my sisters being smacked for one of her numerous bouts of bad behaviour (she was the bad one I was the goody goody). I remember her laughing at our parents and telling them That Did Not Hurt Me – then afterwards seeing her cry when they had gone away.
My Grandmother used to say “You can beat the devil but you cant beat the devil out”, she had lots of these quaint sayings, but that actually is about right.
Janet says
Hi Jan, I am fortunate, thanks to a lot of prayer and counselling the memories have mostly lost their sting xxx
mel says
I smacked but rarely lost it. I would say “that was naughty, come here, i have to smack you.” I (almost) always acted before i got angry . They are fine adults.
Janet says
I found just getting out the wooden spoon (not actually using it) was enough to pull them into line most of the time!