I haven’t talked much about the fact I have depression, here on the blog.
It’s not because I’m ashamed of having depression – it’s more because it feels like ancient history, and it’s really not that much of an issue in my life anymore.
I was first diagnosed with depression, around the time my youngest child (the delightful Miss 20) turned two – yes, eighteen years ago!
In hindsight though, I definitely had problems with depression long before I was actually diagnosed.
What It’s Like to be Living with Chronic Depression
I’ve been living with chronic depression ever since, though I’m one of the fortunate ones – as long as I’m taking medication I’m okay.
When I go off it however – which I have tried a couple of times, under medical supervision (once for six months, and again for just over a year) – life just becomes really hard. Imagine trying to go about your daily tasks, with heavy weights on your arms, legs, and eyelids – every single day. There is no reprieve.
Everything is grey and fuzzy, and you may as well be walking through thick pea soup. It’s really, really horrible.
Nowadays however, I know that life doesn’t have to be that way. It was a no-brainer for me to go back on medication when I realised I was struggling again!
Depression Risk Factors
I’m not sure why I developed depression – but I certainly seem to have scored a “full house” in the deck of cards handed to me in life, with all the common risk factors:
- genetics (my mother and grandmother both suffered forms of depression);
- dysfunctional family of origin (see above!);
- childhood abuse (see above!)
- perfectionist, type A personality;
- social isolation (when I was first married and had kids, I moved to the other side of the city).
There is a myth that depression occurs only in people with a sad and miserable life, and that they cry all the time. Maybe this is why it took so long to work out that I had depression – because I had a GREAT life (happily married, 2 kids, nice home, etc).
Signs I was living with Chronic Depression
Although I *did* get teary at times (what woman doesn’t – it’s called hormones!), my depression manifested in other ways.
Mainly, I was extremely cranky and irritable (poor hubster), and absolutely exhausted all the time. When my GP queried me on the latter, I was like: I’m a mum of two tiny tots – of course I have no energy! (And, just to make things even more fun, this symptom was further exacerbated by my struggles with low iron).
In fact, depression has many faces, and not all of them obvious. Do you know what one of the most common faces of depression is? A smile. It’s the mask we hide behind.
Living with chronic depression had a negative impact on so many areas of my life: I withdrew from friends, from our marriage, from fun, from anything that made life enjoyable. I suffered constantly with illness, aches and pains – particularly migraines (I’ve since learned that the pain centres in the brain become over active in depression sufferers!).
I’ve not saying anti-depressants are the be-all and end-all – I’ve also seen a psychologist about some of my issues. But being on medication has definitely helped by balancing the chemicals in my brain.
For nearly twenty years I have taken medication, and am so grateful for the quality of life it has given me. Perhaps you know somebody with epilepsy or asthma, who feels the same way about how their medication has helped them? It’s really no different.
I wouldn’t say I’m cured, but I’ve certainly found a way to manage living with chronic depression, so that it pretty much takes a back seat in my life.
Have you suffered from depression? What works for you
Depression is so common and under acknowledged in our society. I definitely suffer from it, but fortunately not to the extent that I need meds. It’s the pits when I feel it hit me and Rowan suffers worse than me so we have some tough days. He manages with natural supplements thank heavens, as well as watching the food, alcohol and exercise balance.
Jan, in some ways I’m envious of those that can manage their symptoms without the need for medication! Maybe it’s a pride thing.
It’s good that as long as you take your medication you feel okay!
I’m feel very fortunate; one of my sisters had a much harder time finding something that suited her.
We really are twins ? I’ve been on medication for 14 years and the times I’ve tried to come off it have been disastrous. I’d rather not be taking medication but without them I’m a tired blubbering mess. Thank goodness for our families who have stuck by us and loved us through it all xx
LOL hi there twin! Yes I am grateful to my hubster too, who has stuck with me through thick and thin.
Someone very close to me finally took the plunge and saw a doctor for chronic depression. They told me it was the best thing they’d ever done and regretted not doing it sooner. Sometimes that’s very much what is needed.
Amy I have to admit even getting a diagnosis was a tremendous relief – to find out what was going on . I seriously thought I was losing my mind. And then to be able to take something that helped – bliss!!!
Although I’m lucky not to suffer from depression, I know several people who do and have seen how debilitating it can be. I’m so glad that your medication works well for you. It certainly seems to keep you happy and bubbly – the lovely Janet I’ve come to know. Totally agree though – you never know what people might be hiding behind a smile.
Jo, you’ve said it perfectly.
SSG xxx
Jo, hubster says I am the poster girl for the medication, it doesn’t change me, it just helps me be “me” without the black dog. And thank you for your lovely comments!
I have had some bad times during my life where I would say that I have been depressed but I have had counselling which always seems to be put me back on the straight and narrow. My sister suffers from chronic depression so I have seen first hand how destructive it can be for family and friends. She is fully medicated and seems to function ok until she gets too stressed and then the medication doesn’t help. But overall she is managing this condition ok. Thanks for sharing this Janet. 🙂 #TeamLovinLife
There’s certainly no “one size fits all” approach when it comes to treating depression, that’s for sure!
I had post-natal depression after having our daughter, but I was lucky enough to improve after a year or two. I realise this isn’t the same as having chronic depression. Several of my close friends have experienced depression and medication has been very helpful to them all, together with a range of things such as meditation and exercise. #TeamLovinLife
OH no not the dreaded E word (exercise) Lyndall!!!!!!!
Firstly, congratulations in sharing your story and turning the spotlight on Depression. For so long, there has been a stigma but the more we talk about it the more helpful it is for those who are suffering in silence to come forward. I have occasionally suffered depression and actually was on anti-depressants for a while. I find now that I exercise regularly and that really helps me stay healthy and in a healthy state of mind. Have a beautiful day – you deserve it.
Thanks Sue. When I was first diagnosed, we told people in our close circle – church, family etc. I was shocked by how many then approached me privately to say they had depression or thought they might have it but were too embarrassed to say/do anything, hopefully I was able to help them to see out help.
Interestingly, I’ve never talked about my depression on my blog. For me it manifests itself in anger and apathy. I went off my meds 6 or so years ago but ended up going back on them.
I recall when my psychologist requested my GP put me on them (in the early 2000s) I was so devastated that I cried through the entire appointment – horrified I was being put on antidepressants. “No longer than six months,” I said.
Hahaha yes I cried too at that initial appointment where the GP gently broke the news to me that all my blood tests showed nothing was wrong and she thought it was depression.
I thought I was reading something that I had written! My “depression profile” matches yours so much it’s uncanny. I too am really well when on medication & have had stints off it (which have lasted up to 6 months) but have ended up back on the meds. Struggling every day with every aspect of your life is just not worth it & knowing how well I am on medication it’s also a no-brainer to want quality of life back again. And not just for me, but for my husband, kids, friends etc.
I too have been on & off medication for 20 years since my 2nd born was a toddler. BUT looking back to my child/teenage-hood & looking at my parents I KNOW it’s always been there!
Thanks for sharing your experience & as you say, it’s the same as a person with asthma, epilepsy, high blood pressure etc etc needing to take regular medication to stay healthy & well. Despite this, I am still very secretive about my meds due to the stigma, which is a bit sad ?
Thanks for your frankness ?
Wow Pauline, we could be twins. I love how you said: “And not just for me, but for my husband, kids, friends etc.” So true. I suspect a lot of broken marriages are as a result of undiagnosed depression 🙁 .
Thanks for sharing this. One line really stood out for me: you don’t know what’s being hidden behind the smile. It’s true – you don’t.
Yes, my friends and family (except for hubster) were shocked when I shared my diagnosis – I’d done such a great job of hiding what I thought of as shameful symptoms behind my chirpy smile and bubbly persona. But that just made me more exhausted, so I withdrew even further … catch 22!
Your story could be my husband’s story Janet. Same sort of timeframe and same sort of ‘symptoms’ – his sleep quality was shocking and he was so shut down and irritable. Depression was much less widely understood back then and it took a long time for him to realize this was the problem. He has gone off meds a few times (he hates being on them – typical bloke!!) and the last time nearly imploded our marriage. I think he now knows he needs to be on them for the foreseeable future. It’s so manageable when you find the right combination of treatment and I’m so glad you shared your story – the more people that speak about it openly, the more it takes away the stigma.
Thanks Leanne. I don’t think it’s just a man thing not wanting to stay on the medication; I don’t think any of us likes to feel we need them. But sometimes we just do.
I expect I’ve had it situationaly, like when I was bullied at work for a few months. But I was also low on iron and had a chronic chest infection at the time so who knows which factor contributed to what?! My GP was monitoring me throughout the time though and I did notice that at most appointments she asked me some of the basic questions about losing interest and whatnot so I trusted her to have my back.
It’s interesting, I randomly ran into a friend a lunch today so we caught up and had a long chat about mental health (especially with some stuff in the news about the military not helping ex service people with PTSD).
Situational depression is very real, have had a couple of loved ones struggle with that too. It’s annoying when you have so many symptoms that could be so many flipping things, takes so much longer to get answers and a good result!
I did not know that depression is hidden with a smile. I’m not sure if I have depression or not. I don’t feel like I am walking through soup, but I don’t really feel happy. I’ve had a stressful year. I moved my 90 year old parents and us and my mum died very shortly after and both my hubby’s parents died in the previous 18 months. I don’t try and smile to hide how I feel and feel happy when in a social gathering. I’m monitoring it and I’m pretty sure hubby is too. Great post.
Thanks Jan. There is something called situational depression which can occur, and you have definitely been through a lot. I do suggest you chat to an understanding GP about it just to be on the safe side; why feel like crap when you don’t have to? Life’s too short!
Good on you Janet for sharing. Some people are funny with anti-depression meds. I explain it by saying if the doctor said you where short of something in your blood or had too much of something wouldn’t you take the medicine to help correct it or manage it better. And you might have to take it for life – like diabeties. Why anomalies in the brain are treated differently is frustrating and the sooner people understand more the better we will all be.
Which is exactly why I decided it was time I talked about it here, thanks Fran for your support x
I was diagnosed with having “depressive tendencies” and definitely had more than the baby blues after my daughter was born. There’s a lot of these symptoms that run in line with fibromyalgia too (which they think may have a serotonin component to it). So I can relate to quite a bit of this post.
It’s important to talk about it too … so that people get an understanding that they’re not alone …
#TeamLovinLife
Yes, annoying when you have multiple conditions with similar symptoms, hard to know which one is the culprit!!! Although I think I knew deep down I had depression before I was diagnosed, I didn’t want to admit it, and honestly didn’t realise that it was much more than just feeling sad.
It’s been my day for disappearing comments Janet. Just wanted to say that I live with a husband who has been through exactly the same journey. He’s gone off medication a few times and eventually things fall apart again and it’s back on and back to a more normal life. Being the partner is tough too and I dread it when he decides he’s well enough to do it without the meds – the marriage always takes a hit!
Yes, it definitely takes a toll on your marriage. That’s how my depression was initially picked up – we went for marriage counselling.
I found your missing comment Leanne – for some reason it landed in my spam folder!
You wear the mask soooo well. Thankfully modern medicine can step into help and you are clever enough to know you need it. xx N
I’m so glad to have modern medicine!
I struggle everyday, even on medication, and have tried different ones. I’ve found one that seems the most effective but my main thing is definitely hiding behind my smile. When you said that I sooooo related!!
You have such a beautiful smile too Donna. Big hugs. I know you are hurting at the moment. Any time you wanna stop by for a cuppa you know where I am. And don’t forget that massage! xxx
I’m relating a lot to this post and struggling at the moment to come off my anti depressants. I’m only on 5mg now but GP thinks that it is what I need to keep me on track. I’ve realised a lot now that it is family trauma that has caused mine, going all the way back to my grandmother. All these issues that were never dealt with. Thanks for sharing.
What a revealing and helpful post Janet. I am grateful that you decided to share. More needs to be said as you have, and to say that taking medication is FINE, I applaud your stance.
I have had episodes of depression which have all been reactive in nature. I ‘d not heard of situational till this post so maybe there is a bit of this too.
My episodes came at peak times of life stress and part of overload at work. I used therapies other than medication but eventually tried doses of an anti-depressant. To be honest, there was no great change for me and as life went on and my doctor and I chatted, I went off the meds about 6 years ago having been on them for about 5 before that.
I have a tendency to some feelings of low mood and the past 3 years this has been exacerbated by 3 major life shifts. Anxiety, the sister of depression, also arrived. I will tell you I dealt with both (and still do) medication-free because I do not ‘fall into the diagnosis’ and one medication I tried for one day made me so ill the doctor took me straight off it…so I am grateful.
There are days I would LOVE to know something I took could help but for me it seems it’s talking therapy with myGP and psychologist, time for art and being in nature and learning more each day about what it’s like to be me, retired me. It IS a shock to the system …the ageing thing!
Yes, the smile can be a mask alright. Mind you, I try to smile each day as much as I can because it is an automatic endorphin shift!
Denyse x
Hi Denyse, yes not everybody can benefit from medication, or it can take a long time to find the right one for you (my sister found this). I think situational/reactive depression is pretty much the same thing. I suspect the hubster suffers from this at time, and like you say, often work-related. I’m so glad you’ve found what works for you, from your blog it sounds like you are loving your life and that’s the way it should be!
Oh yes – I know all about depression. Great that you talk about it Janet. It needs to be talked about as much as possible to get rid of the stigma. SO many people suffer with depression! #TeamLovinLife
Doctors, doctors, doctors and all their varying opinions! I have been on anti-depressants about 20 years and know this is not something I can do without. And I am okay with that except for the cost sometimes. So many comments here and all who write about the stigma are applauded. It does come with a ‘label’ and it is so unfair. I started talking to both my daughters early about my depression so they could know about it. Whether or not they will suffer, I don’t know, but they (hopefully) will recognize it in themselves or others if need be. I actually had a doctor look at me once and say, ‘Have you ever been happy?’ after an unusually volitale day. I told him I didn’t know what ‘happy’ felt like, so how can I say? My husband sat next to me in tears. Of course, he’s thinking he’s failed me, but we spend a lot of discussion time making sure he knows he has not. It’s a really tough thing and if it hadn’t been for him and another wonderful woman, I don’t know what would have happened to me. I admire everyone who has commented here!! If you look past that smile, and the words, ‘I’m fine!’, you will see the sadness and confusion, and sometimes, desperation in that person’s eyes. Give them a hug and a smile and an offer to listen without judgement. You may save their lives.
Thank you for sharing your story too Deanna. Bit by bit we will break down the stigma and help people realise that there IS a better quality of life, and being on medication doesn’t need to be a shameful secret.
Oh janet, I love u so much for writing on this topic. Its hard to accept and I completely understand because after having my baby I was diagnosed with depression.
Thanks Vaidehi, I really hope it helps other people x