Regular readers of this blog might have picked up on my serious mother issues (though these days I’ve come a long way towards healing) …
After all, I don’t think there’s too many people out there who have claimed their mother was dead – when in fact she was alive and well!
In 2011, I found out my mother had indeed passed away (in 2007!) – so it’s not a lie anymore. But for most of my adult life, when it came to meeting new people or making small talk, I learned it was just easier to say my mother had passed away, than to try to explain the freak show that was my family background. For example, when the kids were little, this was quite common:
“You must be so busy working and with two children! Does your mother help out much?!”
My (honest) response would have gone something like this:
“Um, no. Fact is, she was volatile, violent and abusive and I couldn’t move out of home fast enough when I grew up. Even when I tried to develop a more mature relationship with her after leaving home, it was destined to fail. In hindsight, and after much reading and talking to psychologists, my siblings and I now think she suffered not just from Borderline Personality Disorder, but was a full-on sociopath. We haven’t spoken for years; in fact she’s never seen my children. For my mental health and safety – and theirs – we no longer have contact.”
Yep. Way to stop the conversation right there folks!
I mean who doesn’t talk to their own mother?! Sacrilege! Mostly, people just don’t understand and would look at me as though I had two heads … which is why I got sick of having to go into it all, particularly if it was somebody I didn’t know well or wasn’t likely to see again.
If you too have mother issues, rest assured you’re not alone – it’s more common that you think.
Celebrities with Mother Issues
The further I travel in this voyage called life, sadly, the more I find that mother issues are in fact quite common. Even celebrities are not immune!
Jennifer Aniston reportedly hasn’t spoken to her mother since 1996; Meg Ryan and her mother are said to have been estranged since the late 1980’s; and Tori Spelling famously fell out with her mother after her father Aaaron’s death in 2006.
Legally emancipated from her parents at the tender age of 15, Drew Barrymore is quoted to have said rather diplomatically about her mother: “We can’t really be in each other’s lives at this point.” Oh man, do I understand that!
Although saying my mother had passed away was always easier, I no longer feel like the scum of the earth for having to lie about our relationship …
What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?!
Linking up with My Home Truths.
I say the same about my parents although they are both alive. so your not alone I know exactly what you went through when saying that about your mum while she was alive.
To give you a laugh my husband’s mum phone last night and said So how is Toowoomba and what is Ms_MotorbikeNut doing about the place you were living in. My husband was going what???? he couldn’t work out what his mother was on about as we have no plans to move and the place we live in now is rented so it’s not ours to sell.
As the saying sometimes goes You can’t live with them and sometimes You can’t live without them but I’m doing great living without mine 🙂
(((( Hugs )))) XXXX Kisses XXXX
(((( Hugs )))) XXXX Kisses XXXX
Thanks Ms Motorbike Nut! Yes, we are certainly not alone in having “challenging” parents …
I think the lie is easier in the long run. I come from a rather dysfunctional family, I’ve always felt disconnected from my mother and wondered if I wasn’t adopted. Shame I actually look like my brothers and sisters.
Yep, the lie was definitely easier except for my troublesome conscience 😉 … did I mention I can’t lie to save myself?!
I hear you! I have so many issues with my mum and the sad thing is she probably doesn’t even realise any of them exist. She’s never in my life unless I organise to do things and I’ve got to the point where I’m sick of being the only one interested in having a relationship. The sad thing is she doesn’t appear interested in my daughters life either. I actually wrote about my mum issues in my post today too, although I only hinted at them because I don’t really want to open Pandora’s box yet 🙂
Now that I’ve had kids, I *so* can’t understand mums who aren’t interested in their kids even when grown – I’m sure you feel the same too. According to my mum, her problems in EVERY relationship she had were always the other person’s fault. Ho hum ….
My mother had a difficult, strained ‘relationship’ with her own mother. Eventually she stopped all contact and didn’t attend her funeral when she passed. Consequently my Mum has been the complete opposite and we’ve always been close and had that mother/daughter bond. (In fact, I’m probably way too much of a Mummy’s girl as a middle-aged woman. Ahem..) That’s something I can see that you have with your own daughter, which is fantastic. Understandable that you told that lie. I’m glad you’ve come a long way to healing. xo
I always thought I’d attend mum’s funeral despite everything, but I was cheated of that opportunity/decision. Can’t help feeling rather angry at mum’s brother (who we also didn’t have contact with) chose not to tell us, following Mum’s wishes … but hey she was DEAD. I don’t know, if it was me, I think the kids should have been told ….Yep, love having such a wonderful relationship with my own girl!
I know of mother and daughter separations that have happened because of traumatic events in their life. I’m sad that your mum was the way she was. And I think you did the right thing by cutting ties… and explaining to people that she was dead… while physically was not correct, would have been easier to bring up old history. I have no doubt that you would have missed having a relationship with your mum had she been stable. Well done on bringing up your kids with your hubby without that support. x
I felt her loss particularly when my children were young … in a way I mourned even before she died.
My Mother chose not to be a part of my life when my first marriage broke down, 7 years ago. I have only seen her 3 times since then, once at my Grandmothers 80th birthday, where she has spent the entire week prior emailing me to tell me I wasn’t welcome, and never with nice words, and twice this year when I’ve visited my very sick Grandmother, both times also met with hostility. There are times when I feel unwanted, and not good enough, and other times I feel quite fine about not having her in my life. I also find it difficult to know what to say when people ask about my Mother, and have been tempted to say the same, I’m not sure what stops me. Thanks for sharing xx
It does make life easier to tell the little white lie … you know I’ve never understood mothers that choose not to be part of their kids’ lives, especially now I have two kids of my own …
What do you mean stop a conversation… have people run? I’m sorry to hear about your mum. I find this so difficult to understand because of the family unit I come from. Well done to you for being a fantastic mum to your children.
Haha no but they look dreadfully uncomfortable!
Man, relationships are complex. Thanks for sharing this so honestly.
If only all families could be like the Brady Bunch, hey?!
I am lucky and have a great relationship with my mother. Family can be hard work at times. Sorry to hear about your mum.
Thanks Julie. It was a tough lot to be dealt with in life, but I feel blessed now to have a great family of my own.
As they say, you can’t pick your family. I don’t blame you for not wanting to explain in detail to every acquaintance what the situation was. I imagine it’s not going to bring up pleasant memories for you. I hope your healing continues.
Thanks Amy xxx
I was just talking with a friend with mother issues the other day and it’s more common than you think. It’s so sad because from the stories I hear the issues are with the mother and the emotional hurt is on the child (albeit adult ones.) It’s almost like mother issues are taboo. If we were able to talk about it more, maybe it would help heal those mother issues. It’s heartbreaking enough without having to be embarrassed about it. At the end of the day, you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family. I think it’s less about what you lost with your mum but all about what you have gained with hubby, your kids (and the cats of course!)