Is there such a things as parents being too much in love?!
I’m reading yet another book with a character who grew up feeling like a third wheel in her parents’ marriage:
“My mum and dad, well, they have always been so in love with each other that it sort of felt more like they were fond and benevolent guardians to my brother and me than parents …” (from “We are all made of Stars” by Rowan Coleman)
I don’t think I’ve ever come across somebody who has felt this way in real life. My own parents split when I was ten, so it’s not something I experienced as a child.
Given that the hubster and I are still madly in love (after nearly 26 years of marriage), I decided to ask an expert – our very own Miss 19. The conversation went a little like this …
Me: Do you think there is such a thing as parents being too much in love?
Miss 19: Wait .. what?!
(I guess I did kinda spring it on her!)
Me: Well, I’m reading this book at the moment and the main character is saying that she always felt like a bit of an afterthought, or inconvenience, because her parents were just so much in love.
Miss 19: Really? Wow that’s weird. I mean you guys are like the most in love parents I’ve ever met and I’ve never felt like that. Not at all. I feel like you had us because you just had so much love, that you wanted to share it around!
She later went on to add that maybe the reason she never felt left out, is that she has a partner-in-crime brother 😉 .
***
The truth is, for the past twenty-odd years while raising our family, we never lost sight of the fact that it was us as a couple, that was the very heart and foundation of that family.
Can you spot the child in the background sulking and feeling left out?! 😉
We used to mourn that we hardly ever held hands any more, because it just wasn’t possible when pushing prams, carrying babies, or holding little ones by the hand!
I’m glad we managed to keep that love light alive throughout the parenting years, because once again, it is pretty much back to being just the two of us.
But I’m also glad that our kids don’t feel any way damaged by the fact that we were so in love!
Have you ever come across a case of parents being too much in love – other than in the pages of a book?!
You two are indeed fortunate to be still together, and in love, after 26 years. My first time around lasted more than 30, but cracks were showing within 15 or maybe less. This time things are very different. Great post.
Glad to hear things are different for you now! You did well to last 30, especially if the cracks were showing. Marriage is hard work!
It depends… (hedging my bets). I think if it’s the exclusion of everything else, then yes. For example… my brother’s MIL puts her husband before everything else. Understandable, but very much before their kids. I suspect she was the same when they were young as well. Her life completely revolves around him.
I’m not saying couples should put their kids before each other (though that could be debated) but I think there needs to be some sort of balance.
(I should mention, when I worked in child protection (out of Uni years ago) many of the (usually) women in denial about their partner’s actions towards their kids did exactly that…. put their partner above all else!)
Hmmm you raise a good point. It’s one thing if the kids are grown, but they still need to be important especially when they are little!
I have always put my kids first but I think what you are saying is that your kids grew up watching a truly loving marriage and I don’t think there’s a much more stable upbringing possible. They can see what a good marriage looks like and it will help them in their relationships. It’s lovely to see how happy you are together. Obviously my first marriage wasn’t like that but my kids have seen me live with my husband now for twelve years in a very happy, loving and respectful marriage.
No never have felt that way or knew anyone who did.
That is such a great photo! It really tells a story. I was so captivated by how happy you both looked ( it IS of you and your hubby right?) I hadn’t noticed the child in the background until you pointed it out!
You have something very special and your kids are very fortunate to be a product of it x
Love your blog and this article (found you on Instagram).
It’s very rare indeed ? My husband and I have been married almost 32 years and we are also enjoying our time together and still being crazy in love. I’m so glad we did the work to keep our relationship sparkle while raising 4 children, wasn’t an easy thing to do but we are both so glad we did. So many couples are ending relationships at this stage of life.
It’s a gift worth treasuring ?
I’ve never seen my parents showing their love. They’re typical conservative Asians who don’t believe in showing their affections publicly and not even privately. Most of my friends’ parents are the same too. Hence I never thought love could last that long, it’s the relationship that lasts. Always thought middle-aged couples are still and being too much in love is… well give me goose bumps. I’d give my younger-self goose bumps!! I’m still madly in love with husband after almost 19 years of marriage! (Still short compared to yours :p) I still can’t believe the feeling could last that long! Even my Miss 10 commented, “you can’t live without daddy” when I asked her what happens if we split (convo brought up because she mentioned one of her friends’ parents are divorced).