When it comes to family and domestic violence, we usually think of women or children being the victims.
You only have to look at the heart breaking case of Hannah Clarke and her children, murdered by the man that should have loved and protected them.
However today I want to talk about the other side of the coin, which is not given anywhere near as much attention: the fact that women can be violent too.
I know, because I lived it with my own mother, who had an extremely volatile temper and was physically and emotionally abusive to her children and a series of intimate partners.
But I’ll get to that shortly.
In addition to thinking that only men are perpetrators, there is a misconception that domestic violence only describes physical blows or aggression. The reality is that domestic and family violence also covers a range of more subtle and nuanced activities – but no less devastating – such as stalking to financial abuse and online bullying. What these all have in common is that they are designed to control, coerce, denigrate and manipulate the victim.
While it is true that women are more likely to have experienced abuse by an intimate partner or family member, men have also been victims. According to a recent study by the Australian Bureau of Statistics released in March 2023, one in four women over the age of 15 has been on the receiving end, so too have 1 in 8 men.
Several years ago, my daughter and I had the privilege of seeing “It All Begins With Love“, a play about domestic and family violence.
It was an amazing, powerful performance; the actors were brilliant, transforming from the character of a female victim to a male perpetrator, with just a change in posture and voice.
It was so accurately portrayed, I felt quite uncomfortable at times – so many echoes of the past.
So many similarities … to the outside world, my mother seemed charming, just like the men described in the play …
- When one of the characters spoke of being called a “worthless little c—“, it sent a shiver up my spine.
- Violence erupting because I hadn’t cooked the meal she wanted for dinner that night.
- Going to the emergency department for stitches when a coffee mug was smashed into my skull, and telling the staff I’d tripped and hit the sharp edge of the stove (did they really believe that?!).
- Being isolated from anybody that seemed to really care about us, and was starting to realise what was really going on.
- Screaming hysterically as my sister’s head was held under water, terrified my mother was trying to kill her.
- Being pushed off a jetty when the tide was out, cutting my legs on the rocks and oyster shells below.
- Missing important events, due to injuries or “punishment”.
- A woman anxiously speaking into her mobile phone: Yes, yes, I’m leaving now. I’ll be home soon … trying to placate the monster, fearful of what awaited her. How well I remember that feeling, even though mobile phones didn’t exist back then. Instead, I made a call from a payphone to let my mother know I’d missed the train … knowing that no matter what I said, I was in for it when I got home.
- Arguments between my mother and my stepfather. I even threatened my stepfather with a softball bat, screaming at him to leave my mother alone – despite the violence she herself had inflicted on him – and me! – so many times.
So yes, I found it a difficult performance to watch in many ways.
But I’m still glad I went, and most of all that I took my daughter (a teenager at the time). She’d never seen or experienced anything like it before, so it was an eye-opening experience.
The sad truth is, nobody goes into a relationship expecting violence. “It all begins with love” … although statistics tell us it is more likely men to be the perpetrators, the truth is, women can be violent too.
And the victims can be male or female, child, teen or adult.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic and family violence – be they male or female, child, teen or adult – there is support available, such as:
- DV Connect here in Queensland (1800 737 732)
- White Ribbon Australia at https://www.whiteribbon.org.au/Find-Help/Help-Lines
Domestic violence is a difficult subject, but as my own experience shows, it is all too common in our society today …