For some time now, my kids have been ribbing me about my habit of “boasting” when I am chatting with friends.
Apparently, they find it irritating.
Well wouldn’t I boast? I told them. I’m just a proud mama!
But it turns out what they describe as “boasting” is actually very different to the meaning I give to the word.
They’ve noticed a lot of people do it – when chatting, in phone conversations, even in comments on my blog or on social media.
An Example of Boasting …
What they call boasting, is those times when Person #1 says something, and Person #2 shares about a similar experience they’ve had, or heard of. Here’s a real life example:
Person #1 (Me): My daughter’s hand was sliced in an ice skating accident, and she needed surgery.
Person #2: Oh that’s no good! I hope she’s okay. My sister/neighbour/cousin’s best friend’s husband had an accident at ice skating too, I heard that it took quite a long time to heal.
If this is boasting, I know that I am frequently guilty of it. For example, if you mention that you are going on/have just come back from a cruise, or a trip to Europe, no doubt I will ask questions about your experience – and then share some of mine.
When I finally worked out exactly what my kids meant by “boasting”, and heard how much it irritated them, I had to stop and think. Is it a selfish habit, that I use to try and bring the conversation – and attention – back to myself (which is what my kids seem to assume)?
Although there may be times when this is true (I’m not perfect!), for the most part it is a tactic that I use to build relationships, by finding common ground with the person I am speaking with.
The fact that my kids get so irked by it – and not just when I do it – makes me wonder if it is a generational thing? As a member of Generation X, it seems perfectly acceptable to me – in fact I can’t imagine trying to make conversation without it. Perhaps Gen Z has been affected by a lifetime of texting and so keeps conversation to a bare minimum.
Or maybe it’s because I’m an extrovert and love to talk 😉 , but seem to have raised a couple of introverts who don’t like to talk much about themselves.
So tell me, do you think of it as boasting or building relationships? And is it a conversational technique that you use?!
Linking up with Essentially Jess for IBOT.
I am very guilty of that and happy to say so. I am so proud of my girls and I am not ashamed to say it. I don’t know if it should be considered boasting, it’s keeping a conversation flowing. xx N
Thanks Nikki, pretty much what I thought.
I definitely don’t see that as boasting unless it descends into actual self inflation on the responder’s part. The language in the above scenario would indicate to me that person 2 wishes to affirm solidarity and understanding with person 1 (and that would generally be my aim should I be doing the same thing in conversation.)
It’s interesting and there could well be a generational issue at play here but what I am really keen to know is how exactly certain conversations can move forward without a sharing of experiences from both parties, surely many exchanges would end up one sided and at a dead end?! For example; if person 2 were to say ‘ouch. That’s no good’ that is rather a conversation marker but with the related story tacked onto the response the conversation may continue if both parties want it to. I don’t know… maybe it is a texting thing!!
Yup me too!!!!!!
Don’t worry my daughter (and I’m not boasting!) thinks that I boast about her all the time. But it is in fact as you say, I am just so proud of her and her achievements. I think you are are what you are and if you are chatty and like to talk about your children, then don’t change. That’s the trouble with the world – everyone things they should change! 🙂
That’s not boasting in my books and is perfectly acceptable to me. Boasting to me is big noting yourself or your people to a level that is ridiculously annoying and unacceptable! 🙂
Great topic! I picked up on the fact that I do this a few years back and have worked at not doing it! I first picked it up through conversations with others, particularly when I would say something and they would reply/boast. It got on my nerves so I questioned whether or not I did it too and found that I did! I encourage my daughter to not do it too. Listening is an art form and not replying/boasting is part of successful listening.
Oh I’m guilty of this too (see I’ve just done it).
I am trying to reduce my “boasting” as I think some may feel the same as your kids. But I have always done it as you say a way to build relationships – showing you can relate to the story.
I honestly don’t see comments like that as boasting, to me it’s related to someone via a shared experience. If that’s boasting then I’m guilty of it too. LOL! In seriousness though, if someone is doing it all the time it might come across as a form of one-upmanship, but I think it’s natural to look for things we have in common when we are communicating with someone.
Unless deliberate one-upmanship is involved, this just sounds like a conversation to me!! x
Definitely don’t think you are ‘boasting’, but showing empathy and as you say building relationships. Unless you always want to have the bigger, better story sounds very normal. I reckon that texting has probably made young people pretty blunt. Maybe they just share an emoticon and leave it at that.
You know, it really depends, but I see your kids point. I often get really frustrated by people bringing their stories to your own, when you’re trying to share something. Sometimes it’s fine, other times, it does feel a little like the conversation is being steered away.
I know it’s something I’m trying to work on in my engagements with others.
Having said that, knowing your heart Janet, I don’t think it’s boasting at all. xx
I think it sounds AOK to me, Janet. It’s hard not to talk about your kids all the time when you’re so proud of them. I think what you’re doing is totally fine.
Definitely building relationships! I agree….what is a conversation without sharing and relating our stories? The key is to make sure that there is an equal amount of sharing! If I may relate my own experience without being too irritating 😉 I once had lunch with an old housemate who I’d not seen in 10 years. Over the course of 2 hours she talked about herself. I hardly could get a word in edge ways and I came away knowing she had no clue about what I’d been up to these past 10 years. Building relationships is a two-way street. The inquiring and listening with genuine interest (which is impossible if you are already thinking about the next thing you want to say when they’ve barely begun) is just as important. Perhaps more so.
I thought that wasj ust how conversations work!!
The example you gave above is juts relating to the other persons experience I don’t think I would call it boasting. Boasting to me is when the other person is not even engaging with you and what you have to say they are just waiting to talk about themselves rather than active listening. As mush as I do not like small talk it is necessary as you say to find common ground. (Just catching up on blog reading ! )