Do you know something that makes me really mad? When people blame their childhood.
I’ve heard people use this as an excuse for all sorts of poor behaviour, or deficits in their own character. One that has stuck in my mind was when I did jury duty, many years ago. The lawyer was pleading for leniency for her client when it came to sentencing, as he’d had a “difficult upbringing” …
Well here’s the thing: I had a difficult upbringing too, and I didn’t become a criminal as a result!
To look at my life now, you would never know what I went through as a child. Here is just a taste of what my siblings and I endured:
- the bitter and messy divorce of our parents;
- being raised by a parent with a serious psychiatric illness;
- spending time in Sandgate Children’s Home;
- having not one, but two alcoholic, stepfathers (one violent);
- living with a drug-addicted stepbrother;
- our mother attempting suicide numerous times;
- being homeless as a teenager;
- regular beatings and other physical abuse;
- emotional blackmail and manipulation;
- living in poverty;
- regularly being told we were a millstone around my mother’s neck.
So yes, I know what it’s like to feel lost and abandoned, lonely and forgotten.
And yet – I’ve turned out reasonably okay (I hope!) – despite those emotional scars.
I’m the first to admit, it hasn’t been easy but there are ways to overcome the negatives. I’ve been fortunate to have the love and support of my husband, and have turned to counselling upon occasion. I’ve also done a LOT of reading in this area and have found some real gems, like this one:
“The ‘cure’ comes in being able to become a loving mother to oneself – and to one’s children – in spite of having a poor role model upon which to pattern our maternity. The victory is in choosing not to be victims of the past but, instead, in breaking the cycle . . . We cannot rewrite history, but we can redirect the future.” Victoria Secunda (from her book “When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends”).
Of course there are times when I stop to wonder: What if … :
How would my life have turned out if I’d received the parental love and support as a child, which most people take for granted? If I’d been encouraged to follow my dreams of being a journalist or writer, instead of ridiculed? If I’d developed healthy self-esteem and boundaries early on, like most people do? If I’d had the stability and opportunities to travel and do more as a teenager and young person, instead of just trying to survive?
Despite these musings, I don’t feel my less-than-idyllic childhood has really held me back. So I really don’t understand when people blame everything bad in their lives, on their rotten childhood.
As Joyce Meyer once said, “Abuse may be the reason you act this way, but don’t let it become an excuse to stay this way!” (from her book “Beauty for Ashes: receiving emotional healing”).
If you too had a difficult upbringing, here’s my tip: You can’t change what happened to you. But you CAN choose your present – and your future!
Am I being too harsh? Do you think somebody blaming their childhood is a cop-out, or a legitimate excuse?
I totally agree. This is one of my pet peeves.
Thanks Jan x
I had a wonderful childhood, with loving parents who have been married for over 60 years, so I am not really qualified to comment, however, I think that you are lucky that you are strong enough to overcome the past and intelligent enough that you didn’t let your poor upbringing define you. Unfortunately, there are many people without your strengths, who become a product of their poor start in life and can’t get off that hamster wheel. They don’t seek help, as they don’t feel they need/deserve it. It’s not really an excuse for bad behaviour, but goes a long way to explain it. Imho .
Hi Lesley, you raise a good point. Even in my own family some of us have bounced back better than others, though none have turned into criminals! A tough upbringing might be a factor in bad behaviour, but it’s more when people use it as an “excuse” that it bugs me.
Absolutely agree Janet. We can only try and break the cycle … not use it as an excuse.
Hi Jo, that’s been my mantra … the cycle stops with me.
Hi Janet
I’ve read your blog for a few years and I can tell from it that you are a truely amazing and resilient person. You had a less than perfect childhood and yet some how you have risen above it. I wonder was there something in your young life that enabled to do this. A club you belonged to, Grandparents, teachers….? The reason I say this is because I can relate to some aspects of your childhood and I’ve turned out okay. Not perfect, I have some mental health issues. However I have realised over the years that I had some good things in my childhood. As a teacher I have known children with horrific stories. The ones who have nothing to fall back on have the hardest time. I don’t think these circumstances excuse behaviour but I think that they can help us to understand why some people struggle so much to be the person they are meant to be. Just some thoughts on your blog
Erica
Lovely to hear from you Eri 🙂 . In a way I was lucky, my mum was relatively “normal” until I was about 7 or 8 – and as you’d know, being a teacher, those first 7 years are incredibly important. I think my younger siblings suffered by not having this advantage (eg my brother is 8 1/2 years younger and doesn’t remember a happy family life AT ALL). But at the same time, none of them went down the criminal path.
I was very involved in a youth group and church and had a strong Christian faith from about the age of 13 and I’m sure that helped a lot; although, there was some negative in it as well (eg “honour your father and mother” is pretty tricky in a family like mine, and I was actively discouraged from leaving home and basically made to feel that “I” was the problem if I ever said anything).
Sometimes I wish I could bottle this “resilience” I seem to have so I could give it to others …
I just read your story on news.com and I had a nearly identical Mother. Was so nice to hear from someone else who went through the same crap. And totally agree with this article! Big hugs from one survivor to another. ?
So lovely to hear from you, sadly we are definitely not alone in what we went through but we CAN break the chain!