Do you know something that makes me really mad? When people blame their childhood.
I’ve heard people use this as an excuse for all sorts of poor behaviour, or deficits in their own character. One that has stuck in my mind was when I did jury duty, many years ago. The lawyer was pleading for leniency for her client when it came to sentencing, as he’d had a “difficult upbringing” …
Well here’s the thing: I had a difficult upbringing too, and I didn’t become a criminal as a result!
To look at my life now, you would never know what I went through as a child. Here is just a taste of what my siblings and I endured:
- the bitter and messy divorce of our parents;
- being raised by a parent with a serious psychiatric illness;
- spending time in Sandgate Children’s Home;
- having not one, but two alcoholic, stepfathers (one violent);
- living with a drug-addicted stepbrother;
- our mother attempting suicide numerous times;
- being homeless as a teenager;
- regular beatings and other physical abuse;
- emotional blackmail and manipulation;
- living in poverty;
- regularly being told we were a millstone around my mother’s neck.
So yes, I know what it’s like to feel lost and abandoned, lonely and forgotten.
And yet – I’ve turned out reasonably okay (I hope!) – despite those emotional scars.
I’m the first to admit, it hasn’t been easy but there are ways to overcome the negatives. I’ve been fortunate to have the love and support of my husband, and have turned to counselling upon occasion. I’ve also done a LOT of reading in this area and have found some real gems, like this one:
“The ‘cure’ comes in being able to become a loving mother to oneself – and to one’s children – in spite of having a poor role model upon which to pattern our maternity. The victory is in choosing not to be victims of the past but, instead, in breaking the cycle . . . We cannot rewrite history, but we can redirect the future.” Victoria Secunda (from her book “When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends”).
Of course there are times when I stop to wonder: What if … :
How would my life have turned out if I’d received the parental love and support as a child, which most people take for granted? If I’d been encouraged to follow my dreams of being a journalist or writer, instead of ridiculed? If I’d developed healthy self-esteem and boundaries early on, like most people do? If I’d had the stability and opportunities to travel and do more as a teenager and young person, instead of just trying to survive?
Despite these musings, I don’t feel my less-than-idyllic childhood has really held me back. So I really don’t understand when people blame everything bad in their lives, on their rotten childhood.
As Joyce Meyer once said, “Abuse may be the reason you act this way, but don’t let it become an excuse to stay this way!” (from her book “Beauty for Ashes: receiving emotional healing”).
If you too had a difficult upbringing, here’s my tip: You can’t change what happened to you. But you CAN choose your present – and your future!
Am I being too harsh? Do you think somebody blaming their childhood is a cop-out, or a legitimate excuse?