Did you know: there are growing pains even when your children are in their late teens and early twenties?
We love Mr 20 and Miss Almost 18 dearly, but I would be lying if I said that our family life has been smooth sailing over the past couple of years.
Yes, the baby and toddler years were challenging – but in a completely different way. I think everybody “knows” to some extent what is involved in being a new parent – that it will be physically demanding, sleep becomes a thing of the past, and going to the toilet in peace will be a rare luxury.
But I don’t think we commonly realise what to expect as our children reach early adulthood …
Take My Family (Please!)
Only kidding 😉 . To the outside world, we probably look like the perfect “Tupperware family”: Mum, Dad, and the pigeon pair. Happy family. Stable parents. Good kids. And yet … we’ve had to deal with lots of stuff, which I’m not at liberty to share here.
I always thought if we gave our kids a loving home, raised them right, and kept the lines of communication open, things would be okay. I was wrong.
Teens will be teens, and have to find their own way … (And maybe because we were the “perfect family”, it hit us harder?)
I came across an article on parenting children as they prepare to leave the nest, by psychologist and family therapist Matt Ryan recently, and it really helped me to realise that we are not alone – in fact, this is perfectly normal.
According to Matt, families tend to function best as a benevolent dictatorship – meaning that Mum and Dad are lovingly and wisely in charge. Although parents are open to their children’s ideas and wishes, at the end of the day it is the parents who make the final decisions. (Although I’ve debated before about who wears the pants in our household, basically I have to agree with Matt’s theory.)
Growing Pains
But then the children grow up, and things change. And sometimes Mum and Dad aren’t ready for – or particularly good at – coping with these changes!
It is all about the children preparing to launch into the world – leaving home, finding new lives and eventually partners and families of their own.
If your family is struggling to adjust to this new stage in life, remember it’s completely normal – and maybe a session with a family therapist could be on benefit.
What has been the hardest stage so far in your family life?
Thank you for raising this issue. My twins are in their early teens and I’ve already started to find it challenging as a parent to back off a bit and allow them to start making more of their own decisions, which might not necessarily be the ones I’d make on their behalf. I imagine it just gets harder as they get older and more independent.
I think the hubster has found the “backing off and letting go” bit a lot harder than I have. He still wonders why the kids don’t want to do “family things” any more but I remember being that age and hating being forced to do “family stuff”!
I have two toddlers and have always considered this the easiest end of the gig!!! Maybe that’s because I know what I was like as a teenager!! x
Hahaha – forewarned is forearmed! I was a bit taken aback by how difficult it could get, I really thought we would just be “one big (or little) happy family” forever. I mean we still are, but teens will be teens and we’ve had our moments …
That’s a really insightful illustration about the family being a benevolent dictatorship. Even now I feel bad sometimes for my toddler whenever I have to enforce various rules in our household and he simply as to obey and comply… at this stage he just has to because he has no choice. But I can’t imagine what it will be like years down the road when the teen years descend upon us. Great article with lots of food for thought. Thanks for sharing, Janet.
You’re welcome Serene, I don’t often see posts in the blogosphere about parenting older/grown kids so thought I had to do something about it. The idea of benevolent dictatorship really resonated with me, and also explained why parents and kids sometimes clash when the kids get older …
I am very blessed to have two teen girls with their heads screwed on straight. They cause me very little grief and certainly won’t be leaving home any time soon. xx N
While it seems so far away I’m sure that one day I will be in this situation. I can imagine I will want my kids to live at home for as LONG as possible, control freak much?? Em – also visiting as part of #teamIBOT
Those pictures are adorable. I can’t wait until my kids are old enough that we can sit around and share a beer together. It must be scary and gratifying to see your kids make their way into the adult world. It’s so far away for me that I can’t imagine it.
Oh boy! Will I be ear bashing you on the weekend Janet! Don’t start me on teenagers or you’ll never be able to get away from me! Jokes. I’m so looking forward to meeting you x
We haven’t been through many stages here yet but I am definitely finding this more independent one more challenging. While I love watching him learn, and try things out for himself, the constant questioning of every move wears a bit thin some days. Especially when you’re told the answer is wrong (I fear that may be my family genes getting in the way, seriously if you put a bunch of Churchill’s in the same room it’s a recipe for disaster lol). From a child’s perspective, I can see that my parents struggle to adapt to me being a parent now, I do find that we slip into familiar roles when we are together, and I do sometimes have to remind Dad that he doesn’t have to tell me to watch Dyllan, I’m his mum I always watch him lol!
When my kids were toddlers I thought terrible two (or even terrible 3) was the worst time of my life! Then when my son became Mr Teenager, wow, that was even worse. I don’t want to think when my girl becomes Miss Teenager! (She’s terrible-all-ages, when she’s terrible, but can be the sweetest angel when she’s in good mood).
I think all stages are equally challenging and I believe that parents do have to be a dictatorship to retain control. Otherwise the little darlings will trample all over you! My theory is that there is no such thing as the perfect family. They all have their trials and tribulations.
But we come pretty close 😉
Wow Janet, I had no idea you had ever had any difficulties. You do come across as pretty picture perfect in this regard.
Interested to check out the article, even though we have a few years to go yet 🙂
I’ve got to be honest Jess, my heart has been broken more than once by my kids and I have shed a lot of tears. But at the end of the day they know I am there for them, and so we have pulled through.