This was a really hard post to write, as it makes me sound like a sad loser.
The truth is, lately I’ve noticed that friends are missing from my life.
I do have a couple of lovely friends that I catch up with fairly regularly – and of course there is my gorgeous daughter Miss 22 – but I’d like to expand my friendship circle.
I suspect my current predicament has a lot to do with:
- working from home for six years;
- living on the other side of town to where I grew up;
- leaving our church after 20 years (though to be honest I didn’t really have any close friends there either);
- or maybe I’ve just come up for air after the child-raising years?
What I’ve noticed is that many women my age have such full lives that they’re not interested in having new friends. I know in the past I’ve “clicked” with a couple of women I really wanted to form a friendship with, but they always seemed too busy for li’l ol’ me when I tried to arrange coffee or whatever.
If I were to write a “Friend Wanted” ad, it would probably look something like this …
Middle Aged Mama Looking for Friends (Women Only)
Hi! I’m a married middle aged mama of two grown children, looking for some new friends.
I don’t care if you are married, single, divorced or widowed, or whether you have kids. But if you do have a male partner, please don’t expect or demand that our husbands have to meet up and become friends too. Sure it’d be nice if they got on, but in my experience it’s a pretty rare thing. Besides my husband has enough friends; I’m the one that doesn’t.
Here’s what I’m looking for:
- Somebody local: preferably in the Redlands. While I still have a couple of friends from my high school days, we live on opposite sides of town and it’s just not the same.
- In an ideal world, I’d love to have a close friendship with another blogger. Or perhaps other business owner/solopreneur (but not party plan or MLM, sorry, that stuff just annoys me), that I could attend networking events with.
- Somebody who doesn’t mind the fact that I blog and play on social media, and understands if I take lots of photos for this purpose.
- Somebody who loves to chat, but is a deep thinker and enjoys having D&Ms (deep and meaningful conversations). For example, I have a Christian background, and am currently questioning matters of faith, so it would be great if you don’t mind discussing that.
Perhaps it’s a vain hope, but I’d really like to meet somebody who just “gets” me, quirks and all. That accepts me despite the fact that I have a bit of a phone phobia (so don’t expect me to phone you!); and that I’m a little bit hard of hearing. I also avoid conflict like the plague.
I don’t like competitive types who are into “one-upmanship”, nor am I interested in forming a close friendship with a smoker.
If you are a sporty type or fitness junkie, I don’t think we’d have much in common, but you never know.
In my downtime I love to read, or relax with a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle, and I’m addicted to MAFS even if it is OTT this year (I don’t want to know if the couples have “been intimate” yet. Some things should be kept private).
If you were my friend, we could go for walks, catch up over coffee, and go shopping together (but on a budget – no brand names or expensive labels – if you love op shopping that’s a bonus!). I long to do more travelling, and wouldn’t mind doing some sort of crafts or handiwork with you or in a group – for example, if you could teach me to knit that’d be great!
I’m looking for somebody to do girly things with, that the hubster is just not interested in.
You don’t have to be a crazy cat lady 😉 , but we could definitely bond if you love fur babies of some sort.
In return – I’m open, honest and kind. I’m genuine and loyal. I like a good laugh but don’t need alcohol to have fun.
I’ve probably neglected to mention many things but you get the general idea.
Perhaps it’s time I turned to modern technology – these days there are even apps for making friends, much like the dating apps, but for platonic relationships only!
So what’s the verdict, dear reader: Am I expecting too much from new friends, or am I too fussy?
Firstly, you are so not a loser!!!
I’m a stay at home/casual working mum of a one year old at the moment (and a 7 year old but that’s a bit less isolating) and feeling a little of what you’re feeling, despite having lots of friends from different walks of life. It would be so cool to have someone I can just message last minute (my daughter is unpredictable at the moment haha) for a walk or a casual coffee catch up. I do have like one or two people like that, but I talk myself out of it sometimes out of fear of rejection so I’m my own worst enemy.
Right now I’m talking myself out of messaging a very good friend for reasons I don’t understand. Your post is giving me a kick up the bum!
I hope you find your people and if I lived near you, even though I’m between you and your daughters’ ages I would have definitely looked you up!
Thank you Kez, you are wonderful. Yeah age isn’t important at all when you find a kindred spirit!
I wish I lived closer – I’d put my hand up to answer your advertisement! But I do think it’s more common than we think – not having many friends at this stage of life if we work long hours from home. Me too. I’m a sad sad Billy no mates! I do have a couple of close friends nearby, but honestly my diary is not full of coffee catch-ups and girlie outings. I hope you find a nearby friend to do girlie things with soon 🙂
Having had the good fortune to have hung out with you a couple of times now, I have to agree we’d have a blast! I’m glad to know I’m not the only one, but sad at the same time, if that makes sense?!
Don’t be so hard on yourself, you don’t have many friends and sometimes feel sad about it but then for me a friend is a person I can fully trust and be able to share my deepest thoughts but unfortunately, I won’t be doing it with anyone who is in my circle right now. So perhaps you should not look for a “friend” but rather a good companion. Also it is very difficult to find a person who fits all your points so you might try to be more flexible about other people’s interests. The good friends don’t go on trees and the good one usually the ones you grew up with. Having said all that there is no reason why you can’t find a good friend who shares your likes, quirks and all.
https://lookingfabulousat50.blogspot.com/
I think these are all reasons why I haven’t had a “best friend” in years (except for my hubster) – no one person will tick all the boxes in our need for companionship. Maybe the secret is to have half a dozen friends, one to suit each interest/hobby!
Hi Janet: I know just what you mean! This time in our lives is a little bit of a transition. Most of my friendships come from my children’s friends. While many of those women are still my friends, changes in our lives make regular meet-ups difficult to coordinate. I, too, work from home so making new friends can be difficult. I’m too far away for coffee, but I’d love to be a ‘blog buddy!’
LeAna
Hey LeAna! I’m already following you on Bloglovin’, and just now I found your Facebook page, always great to connect with a blogging buddy no matter where they may be in the world.
Hey Janet, my friends and I have just joined the Baptist church craft group at Cleveland on a Tuesday morning, lots of ladies to chat to, and have cups of tea with, we don’t attend the church but we were looking for a craft group and have found it . We have kids between ages 11 and 17 , we do go out to movies and op shops and coffee shops. We love sewing and being crafty. You may find what you are looking for , as there are lots of women there who also do attend the church and they love to knit and crochet and love to talk and have a laugh. You are welcome to join us on a Tuesday morning. Hope to see you there.
Natalie, Lucia and Amanda.
Thank you so much for letting me know Natalie!
Girlfriends are important, aren’t they? I’d definitely do coffee, D&M’s and walks with you if we lived closer. (Oh, and share fur-baby stories … ) May this year bring you opportunities to meet some local kindred spirits. You might be surprised where you find them. A friend of mine goes walking with a couple of her neighbors one evening a week. Maybe there’s even someone in your street waiting to meet you!
You’re not too far away but I know you are busy with teaching … always up for a coffee with you though! x
You and I would be great together! I am in the same predicament, I have one good friend and alot of acquaintances but find I am on my own alot….I am the mother at work, most of my colleagues are the same age as my children and the few who arent are not my type outside of the office! There is only so much coffee and shopping you can do on your own or with the hubby! Too bad we arent closer geographically!
Hi Sally – wish you were here! Yes I’ve been noticing more and more of the people I work with (through my business) are millenials. In fact my closest business buddy (runs her own business in a complementary field) is only a couple of years older than my son – yet we get on like a house on fire.
Fellow “loser” here!
Victoria, I have been amazed at how many people have reacted to this post here, and on social media, and even emails and private messages to tell me they are in the same boat. I honestly thought everybody else was “all friended up” – well it looks that way on social media. Helped me gain some perspective. And, I also have about 3 coffee dates set up with local readers over the next few weeks – not my intention at all when I wrote this but what a great outcome!
Thank you for posting this. I too felt like I was the only one with no friends. I’m 48 and have never had a close friendship circle like you see on social or on T.V. My marriage broke up 6 years ago and the friends I had at the time drifted away. Since then I’ve been on my own a lot, but I’ve come to embrace it. I don’t let having no one to go out with stop me from going to the movies, festivals, concerts etc. I have some casual friends who I go out to dinner with once a month which is nice and am lucky to have a daughter. My mum died two years ago and I don’t have any sisters so it can be lonely but knowing this is not uncommon in middle age makes me feel like less of a loser 🙂
Jane, I have been astonished by the reaction to this post, I thought it was “just me”. I’ve had 3 or 4 local ladies contact me by private message to meet up for coffee which I so was not expecting, it’s been wonderful! I’m glad you still go out to things you love!