Some children are so good, they seem almost perfect!
Was (or is) one of your children, the “perfect child”?!
The perfect child is quiet and obedient, and rarely (if ever) disgraces you in public. They do their homework without being nagged, and even stress about doing well at school. They’re the sort of kids that don’t often get into trouble, are polite and courteous, and get comments like, “a pleasure to teach” on their report cards.
To many, it sounds like a dream!
Or perhaps if you have a child like this, you may be tempted to pat yourself on the back for your superior parenting skills. However, there’s a strong chance that there is actually a downside of the perfect child.
Of course, there is no such thing as the perfect child (or adult either!). While all of the traits above may seem to be positive, they may also be signs of a child who is struggling with anxiety according to psychologists.
The Downside of the Perfect Child
Has your perfect child ever experienced times when they:
- complained of mysterious aches and pains, eg tummy aches or headaches (perhaps before school?!);
- avoided new things or situations, especially ones you know they don’t like;
- succumbed to tears even in front of their peers;
- seemed hesitant to do as you ask;
- were often shy and reluctant to mix socially;
- feared “standing out” in the crowd, preferring to just blend in;
- needed more cuddles, pep talks, and reassurance;
- said “I can’t” a lot?
If you have found yourself nodding your head in agreement, it might be worth finding out more about anxiety in children, or perhaps even talking to a child psychologist.
I wish I had known about these things years ago; it is only now that I can truly see the struggles of my own “perfect child” for what they really are – signs of anxiety – even now into adulthood.
I also wish I knew more about how to support and encourage them even now, and that I didn’t feel like it was too late … I guess you could say it is one of my (thankfully few) parenting regrets.
What might you do differently, now that you are aware of the downside of the perfect child?!
I thoroughly agree. All of mine were so very well behaved (one in particular)…and all of them have anxiety to varying degrees. I think it’s also in the genes. People always said I was “such a good little girl” and yet I find it hard even describing the anxiety I felt as a child.
There is social anxiety on one side of the family, and depression on the other, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised one of them cropped up in one of our kids.
I was that child. I’m trying really hard to not pass my anxiety onto my daughter.
Toni, I have a phone phobia and tried really hard not to pass it on to my kids … but they still got it! Maybe they inherited it through their genes rather than my example as I worked really hard not to let them know?!
Sometimes when things are easy, we tend to focus our energy on something or someone else. And sometimes by losing the focus everything slips under the radar until the break down occurs. Easy is not always good – just a different challenge really.
Absolutely Nat. One of our kids we have always had to push OUT of the nest; the other was more attention seeking and had to be restrained from jumping out the nest into the fire!!! Very different challenges for us as parents.
Yes, our middle child, although we were acutely aware of this from the get go and put practices in place to help. Still a long way to go but it could have been a lot worse for her if we weren’t on top of things.
It’s good you recognised and have worked on it. I wish we’d realised earlier. It’s a bit hard to drag them off to therapy once they are grown 🙁 …
In my experience working with teenagers as a Guidance Officer, there is not a whole lot that you can DO is let your child know that you are there, really listen to what they are saying, but also what they aren’t saying, show them you love them and be a positive role model for them – which I am sure you are doing..
All the best..
Thanks Zita! We will just have to keep encouraging our young adult to step out of their comfort zone … but it’s hard work sometimes!
I couldn’t agree more Janet. It’s often the quiet, obedient girls, in particular, who fall through the cracks. They are never a problem so they do not get the attention they often need and are not adequately supported. I know this is often the case with girls on the autism spectrum, who more often than not also suffer from anxiety.
It’s not always girls Kirsty (am I giving the game away here?!). We have wondered at times if there are certain Asperger’s type symptoms present in one of our children – including the anxiety …
I think it’s easy for the kids with anxiety to slip through the cracks because they can look like they’re really willing to please. Truth is they can be too worried about what will happen if they’re not good enough.
I was a bit anxious as a kid and to teachers I was probably a dream in primary school.
I watch the Little Mister carefully, because it seems that both sides of his family have some anxiety issues. I don’t want to miss any of the signs and I try to boost his confidence and let him know it’s OK to not nail everything he tries straight away.
Yes, our “perfect” child was always scared of trying new things, and put themselves under tremendous pressure to get things right first time every time. So I think you’re doing the right thing!
Wow Janet, what a thought provoking post. Thank you so much for sharing this – I would have never thought to put the two together.
I didn’t either Zilla – it’s only now that I do a lot of work for a psychology firm, that the lights have gone on!
My husband was nearly the perfect child , youngest and only boy -sisters 6 &9 yrs older. He gets ribbed for it. I can see the traits in him.
Thankfully, I don’t have perfect children …though seriously they resonate with me.
I hope you are ok.
Like any parents, we worry about our kids … but have done our best and will continue to do so. Just wish we had realised this earlier!