This week my mother would have celebrated her 70th birthday; sadly she passed away several years ago.
And now I want to say, I’m sorry.
Sorry: to all the people I have known who have lost a loved one. Because I just didn’t know.
I didn’t know what it was like. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. So because I was so worried about hurting people who were already grieving, I usually chose to do … nothing.
And now I know that’s probably the worst thing to do (or not do).
Because when I was in the depths of my grief, in those dark early days, I desperately needed to know that I was loved. That people knew, and that they cared that my world had been turned upside down.
I appreciated every email and Facebook message and hearing that people were thinking of and praying for me.
But what I really loved, what really helped, was the people who had the courage to step out and do something more tangible.
Talking about Grief
The phone calls and texts were a lifeline, especially those brave souls who were willing to just listen. Because I needed to tell the story. Over and over again. As if in the telling somehow even I would begin to believe it.
The flowers that arrived were a balm to my wounded soul. A casserole was delivered with love (such a blessing as I couldn’t bring myself to cook for two weeks). Half a dozen cards with heartfelt messages arrived in the mail. And one very switched-on friend dropped in a box of chocolates! (She knew one of my favourite sayings: “chocolate fixes everything!”).
On the other hand, there were some friends that were nowhere to be seen. Ouch! It hurt. It really hurt!
In my gracious moments, I am able to excuse them, because I realise they’ve probably never experienced this grief. They’ve never lost a parent or other family member. So they don’t know any better. They didn’t want to do something and risk hurting me, when I was already in pain. So they did nothing. And I shouldn’t judge, because until I lost my Mum, *I* was in their number.
Whatever you do – don’t do nothing!
Can I be frank: doing nothing hurts the grieving person more.
If there is one positive that came out of losing my mother, it is the lessons I learned about grief. I now know how to support others when they are mourning, and show them love in practical ways, not just by thinking of them.
What sort of things do you do, to support a friend who is grieving?
Click on the link if you or somebody you love is grieving and looking for counselling support.
Great post. I’m sure I do and say all the wrong things. Especially at funerals. I’m also possibly at the other end of the scale and do too much and end up getting in the road trying to help friends that are grieving.
This is such a touching post Janet. I really felt your pain and loss. You are so right about people giving you a wide berth when you are grieving and all you need is someone to give you a big hug and say some nice words. I think a personal visit to a grieving friend is the best thing you can do for them with maybe a box of chocolates or a big fat cake. 🙂
It is difficult because I think a lot of people are afraid they won’t know what to say to even a close friend who is grieving. A touching and helpful post Janet. I will take it to heart.
I call, I visit, I sit sometimes in silence as company, being there, a hug, a smile a presence. Rae xxx