So here’s the problem: what do you do when your daughter dates an older man?!
I know you probably think I’m dishing the dirt on my own Miss 18, but this time I am totally asking for a reader!
It seems her 23 year old daughter has recently started dating the man of her dreams. On paper, he sounds perfect. Mr Dreamy has a great job; is financially responsible; polite and courteous; handsome (I’m told!); and they share many interests.
There’s just one little catch …
Mr Dreamy is nearly twenty years older than his girlfriend. In fact, at 42 he is only a year or so younger than his girlfriend’s mother!
I don’t know how we would handle it if it was our daughter. Heck, the hubster barely handles the fact Miss 18 has a boyfriend at all, let alone one 20 years older. (Just between you and me, I think he’d like to lock her up in an enchanted tower ร la Rapunzel, and throw away the key!)
When Your Daughter Dates an Older Man …
So I turned to Facebook, that source of all wisdom! Here’s what some of you had to say:
TERESA understands exactly how our reader is feeling: My daughter’s hubby is about 16 years older… they met when she was 19 and were together for a few years before they married. How did I react? There was nothing to react to! I treated him the same as I would any friend of my daughter and welcomed him into my family. My son-in-law is about 8 years younger than I am, and he’s a lovely man.
NATALIE is a tad conflicted! She shared: Depends on so many things. But if it was my daughter, I would probably be a lot tougher on the situation. I wouldn’t want her going out with anyone more than 10 years her senior, and even then not until she was at least 25 years old. Which makes me a hypocrite considering I was 20 and my husband was almost 28 when we met LOL.
It raised mixed emotions in ELAINE as well: Depends on all the circumstances. It’s not a simple one. History, context, maturity and circumstances are to be weighed. On a purely emotive response – help!!!
KYLIE is fully expecting to face this dilemma herself. She wrote: To be honest, I would be extremely surprised if my daughter brought someone home who is close to her age.ย She tends to have a lot of older friends, and is currently studying a course where she is one of very few school leavers; most people in the course are mature age students or on their second degree … And she doesn’t suffer fools well, which rules out a large percentage of guys her own age at this point!
So, I guess if I believed he treated her well; and was strong enough mentally to not get totally lost in the path of her very strong personality, and supported her in her dreams and goals while not losing sight of his own, I would be more than fine about it.
MELANIE called on the example of her own parents, married for over 50 years: There is 14 years between my parents. As long as both parties are mature, sure. But they might want different things. Like every couple, there needs to be open discussion, just the topics might be a little different, is all.
So to the reader in question, it seems the verdict is cautiously positive, depending on the maturity of your daughter, and the calibre of her new boyfriend. Do keep us posted as to how it goes!
Do you know any couples with a sizable age gap? How would you feel if your daughter brought home a much older man?!
Vicki @ Knocked Up and Abroad says
I don’t have a daughter so this will never be an issue for me BUT I still find it fascinating. I loved reading what Facebook goers have to say. I personally think you just have to let kids (who are hardly kids anymore) go and discover relationships and individuals because pushing them away by voicing disgust can really do some damage and I’d rather put up with a daughter in such a relationship, than no daughter at all.
Janet Camilleri says
To me Vicki, the relationship with my kids is the most important. I hold my tongue quite often when it comes to discussing their relationships with my children – mind you I don’t hold back when it comes to their tattoos and piercings, YUK!!!
Pinky Poinker says
I suppose at least you’d have something to talk to him about. Seriously though, I wouldn’t like it but I’d definitely bite my tongue. It’s their choice after all and if it’s not going to work out, it won’t whatever you say.
Janet Camilleri says
It’s one of those thing where you just have to let them follow their own path and make their own mistakes (if indeed it is a mistake, and chances are it isn’t).
Amy @ handbagmafia says
When my grandparents met, they were 16 and 32. Nan had been living alone and working for 3 years by then (so a bit different to today’s 16 yr olds) and they had a brilliantly happy marriage. Age is a factor but it’s not everything.
Janet Camilleri says
Like you say, I guess things were different then. The hubster was only 21 when we got married – what the heck were we thinking? I SO can’t imagine our Mr 21 married!
Ingrid @ Fabulous and Fun Life says
I probably wouldn’t like it but if my daughter was happy and truly in love I’d be happy for her and welcome her boyfriend into our family.
Janet Camilleri says
I think that’s the best attitude to have Ingrid x
Nicole @ The Builder's Wife says
Well you’ve really got me with this question, I really don’t know?!? I’d like to think, as a Mum, I would know if my daughter was really in love, and if she was, I think I would just be happy for her happiness. You’ve got me thinking though.
Janet Camilleri says
I know I’d still have some concerns … although I might discuss it with my daughter, in the end it is her life to live and as you say, I’d just be happy for her if he was a good bloke and he treated her well.
Kelly says
Wow. That is a hard one. I have a son, but I am not sure how I would react if he brought home an older woman. Or even if he was with a heaps younger woman. Does we react the same for both ways? I really think if you have full faith in your child, and trust they don’t make rash/stupid decisions (most of the time), maybe we go-with-the-flow? I have got no clue really though!
Janet Camilleri says
It’s a tough one Kelly! I would raise any concerns with my daughter, but try not to make her feel I was judging her or telling her what to do.
Hugzilla says
Oooh, I thought this was going to be about your daughter as well! Yeah look, to be honest it’s hard to make generalisations but I would be very worried about the difference in social and financial power that an age difference like that could contain. Not gonna lie, I would also be very suspicious of the motives of a man who wanted to be seen on the arm of someone half his age. Loved this one!
Janet Camilleri says
HA! Miss 18’s boyfriend is 20 so not much of a gap there really. Yes, I would be cautious but it would depend on the fellow.
Eva Lewis says
I think the responses from your Facebook fans are really spot on. I once dated a 36 year old when I was 23 and my parents were fine with it. Whether they’re 33, 43 or 53..I think it’s important to look at their character before the numbers.
Janet Camilleri says
You must have very laid back parents OR they are just good at biting their tongues! ๐
Nikki @ Wonderfully Women says
I am honestly not sure how I would react, but such a huge gap would concern me. My dad is 10 years older than my mum, but that is not too outrageous. I would not be at all surprised if my older Miss WW does just that. She find most guys around her age just don’t cut it! xx N
Janet Camilleri says
In the end I guess it depends on the fellow and if he treats your daughter well.
Renee Wilson says
Hmm Janet this is a good one. I’m almost certain I would freak out at first, but then I would have to let myself trust my daughter and have faith that we raised her well enough to make the right decisions. You can be blinded by love though, so I’d keep a close eye on the relationship and try to get to know him as much as possible. I hope things work out for your friend’s daughter. #teamRIBBET
Janet Camilleri says
Absolutely – and thanks for the giggle! CROAK, CROAK!
Natalie says
My comments may haunt me someday- I have three daughters, so much to look forward to!!
Janet Camilleri says
Haha you are a very wise woman ๐
EssentiallyJess says
I don’t know how I would feel at all to be honest. I hope I never have to find out.
Janet Camilleri says
I think it’s just as well as parents that we CAN’T see what’s in the future …
Leisa says
My sister, who is 4.5 years younger than me is married to a man who is two or three years older than our Dad. They’ve been together for….maybe 15 years and have a 9 year old daughter. We all love my BIL. He’s a real “salt-of-the-earth” kind of guy. Lately there have been a few age-related issues within their marriage – he’s slowing down, wanting to do the “Grey Nomad” thing whilst my sister sees the importance of staying put and grounded for their daughter in Primary School.
I know there are some who think it’s weird, but I always think that there’s no barrier to love so who cares about the age difference. And I know I’d think the same if it were my daughter. ๐
Janet Camilleri says
If he’s a good bloke, and the relationship works well, why not. Yes, age related issues may crop up later one but at least you would go into it having some idea of what is ahead and can choose to marry knowing all these things. There are many people who marry and then have to deal with cancer, unemployment, infertility and other unknown difficulties and disasters, it’s not plain sailing for anyone really. But that’s marriage – sticking with each other through good times and bad.
Kathy says
Twenty years is far too big a gap. I’d be worried and saying so. Especially since you she is still really young. My hubby, who I met when I was almost 23, is 8.5 years older than me. At the time he was separated with a 4 year old daughter. This was a huge deal for me, but in the end (and we are 20 years married) it worked out. But 8 years is a LOT different to 20.
Janet Camilleri says
Yes, I would mention my concerns also, I have a good relationship with my daughter where I feel I can talk about things with her. At the end of the day I guess it depends on if he is a decent fellow and treated my daughter well though I’d definitely freak out at first!
Kellyn says
I am 24 and my boyfriend is going on 37 this summer. With his ex wife and two kids it has been an interesting relationship to say the least so far. But he treats me very well and we have a wonderful time laughing together. We want the same things out of our relationship. So it works for us. But keep in mind that I am also divorced, been through multiple pregnancy losses and pulled my life together, most ladies my age are not as emotionally mature as I have had to become.
My dad loves my boyfriend though and has never expressed any discomfort with our relationship. He just wants someone who loves me and can take care of me, that also treats me with respect. My mom was a little weary at first and we talked about it and she is coming around.
Janet Camilleri says
I think exes and kids makes things much more “interesting” … makes an age gap seem like such a little thing! I wish you and your boyfriend all the best, and like you say, with time, people – including your mum – will come round xxx