I read a report recently that claimed that midlife is the hardest time in a marriage.
Having clocked up 25 years of wedded bliss, and being firmly in that middle age bracket, I tend to disagree … so what do I think has been the hardest time in our marriage?
The First Year
We didn’t move in together until after our wedding, so the first year of our marriage was about learning to live together. Simple things like whether to set the alarm clock to radio or buzzer became major battlegrounds; and don’t get me started on money! We were both used to doing our own thing with our own pay packets. I was horrified when he “wasted” money on tools and other bits and pieces; he couldn’t believe how much I spent on clothes and makeup.
It also didn’t help that I’d moved to the other side of town, away from my family and friends.
The Baby Years
Our first baby arrived one week after our 4th wedding anniversary; our second child, 2 1/2 years later. Sleepless nights, out of control hormones, the responsibilities – although a joyous time in our lives, it was also hard on our marriage. Add to that the fact that I was suffering severe postnatal depression – which wasn’t diagnosed til our youngest child was 2 – and yep, it was a difficult time in our relationship.
The 7 Year Itch
I seriously don’t remember this being a problem for us. But then again, I’d just started treatment for depression and was actually falling in love with the hubster, all over again!
Teenagers
Our kids are now 21 and 18, but there were times when they were teenagers that things were not so easy. If the hubster and I fought, it was over our teenagers and how to handle the latest challenge …
Midlife Crisis
I was plunged into a midlife crisis of sorts when I was made redundant from my government job nearly three years ago. However, with the support of my hubster and a lot of hard work, I’ve not only lived to tell the tale but am thriving!
Redundancy
And now, just when we thought life was settling down again, we’ve been thrown another curve ball – the hubster has also just been made redundant. In many ways this is (or will be!) a positive thing, but there’s no doubt that the familiar is easier. Now everything’s up in the air – Will he find another job? What does he really want to do? Will we shift so he can get the job he wants? And where?
Health Issues
We’ve been fortunate to have avoided any serious health issues up til this point in our marriage, despite a health scare earlier this year. Let’s hope it stays that way!
Is Retirement the Hardest Time in a Marriage?
Many older women seemed to find it hard to adjust when their husband retires, usually because they are used to doing their own thing – and suddenly there’s somebody demanding their time, attention and energy 24/7.
I’ve had an inkling of what that’s like; when we travelled Australia in 2001, I also wasn’t used to having the hubster around all the time! We soon got used to it, but there was definitely a few arguments a time of adjustment. Hopefully we’ll be more in love than ever …
Yet for all the hard times in our marriage, there have been many more good times. I am so thankful to be sharing my life with such a wonderful man!
What say you? What do you think is the hardest time in a marriage?!
Love your honesty Janet this is a great read full of truth from the real world. To define the one most “hardest” time in marriage really is like opening a Pandora’s box. However, as you say there are multiple hard times in marriage or (seasons of challenge as I affectionately call them), some lasting longer than others. It is the ability to communicate with each other, to speak & to LISTEN that is often the difference between those reap the rewards of a love that lasts a lifetime and those who don’t.
LOL “seasons of challenge” – I *like* it!
I think it is different for everyone and has a lot to do with the strength of your relationship. I know that some people do find middle age hard as their children are at an independent age and they are left with each other. If you don’t ‘like’ that person any longer or haven’t kept a close connection and know who they are anymore, it can be difficult. That’s why I feel it is so important to do things like ‘date’ nights and weekends away. To keep the spark and connection.
I have found the last 10 years after the kids the hardest. Our eldest was not an easy baby/child, and is now heading towards the hormonal teenage years! This adds a lot of stress to married life.
Good luck with all the decisions of where to next x
Thanks Sarah – he’s already landed a temp contract for 3 months for when he finishes up so reasonably confident about the future. We are definitely enjoying being able to spend more time together these days, so we must have kept the connection going!
What a gorgeous couple you are and seemingly very loving and supportive thru all the stages. Surely you’re thru the hardest bits yeah? We’re not far into our marriage but after our first child was born was definitely the most challenging. We even slept in seperate rooms for nearly 12 months but through a lot of hard work we have reunited and we’re the happiest we’ve ever been 4 years on. I’m so glad we stuck at it.
Yes, I think a lot of people probably quit too soon to reap the rewards. It’s definitely worth hanging in there!
I love this post Janet. We’re approaching our 15th wedding anniversary in October. Marriage is always a struggle – it’s always full of compromises and challenges and curve balls. But that definitely makes it more interesting – I’m certainly never bored x
Although we have only been married for 11 years, I think so far, the most difficult period for us was the first few years. We lived with my mother-in-law for 2 years while I was on maternity leave and we were building our first home. So we never experienced married life in our own home without kids! Its only now that our kids are aged 11, 7 and 5 that we are finding more time to spend together as a couple and also going out and doing things as a family. Plus we were both made redundant from our jobs within 4 months of each other earlier this year, and are now at home in between jobs after being on our overseas trip. We definitely have heaps of time to hang out together (and to drive each other crazy!).
Living with other people – especially the inlaws! – would definitely put a strain on things! I hope you both find jobs soon x
We are only coming up to 8 years of marriage. We’ve had hard times (some of which I won’t talk about here) but I think one tough thing is the first time one of you loses a loved one can force you to learn a lot about each other – you might find you grieve very differently from one another.
My husband would shut down and try to live in denial (which sadly isn’t realistic so it made him really angry any time anyone ever mentioned it). I would look for meaning in it all and become a nurturer and want to talk it out. That was REALLY tough.
We both learned a lot from that time.
I guess hubster and I have been lucky in that respect – although my mum has passed away, we were estranged for many years before that. He was incredibly supportive at the time – but I wonder how it would go if it was one of his parents …
A nice reflection Janet – I must have missed it last year. We’re coming up to 21 years next week. For us the infertility and going through IVF and the adoption process was very hard, but brought us closer. We’ve also had some hard times with his daughter, who unfortunately is estranged from us and we certainly don’t always agree on parenting of our two kids, but we keep navigating together.
Having watched my sister go through the infertility journey as well, I definitely have to agree that it would have to be one of the hardest things to go through in life, let alone marriage x