Several weeks ago I gave an interview to a journalist, about what it’s like to cut ties with your mother.
This morning, the story went live on news.com.au – to read it, click on the image below.
I’ve already received so many messages of love and support, from people all over Australia, NZ and even the USA.
It is incredibly humbling, but also very sad to realise just how many of us are dealing with a toxic family member, to the point where sometimes going no contact is the only solution.
So I’ve put together this post especially for you, if you have arrived here after reading my story …
Mother Issues? You’re Not Alone!
Over the last few years I’ve blogged about my relationship with mum, and how it has affected me, several times. You may be interested in reading some of them:
- 5 Things I Learned from my Shrink
- About Those Emotional Scars …
- Don’t Blame Your Childhood
- Ghosts of Christmas Past
- I Didn’t Talk to my Mum for over 10 years
- I Must Confess – I am a Forgotten Australian
- I was Homeless as a Teenager
- Is There a RIGHT Way to Smack?
- Me as a Mum: an Interview with My Kidults
- Mother Issues? You’re Not Alone
- My Time in Sandgate Children’s Home
- When Mothers Day Hurts Like Hell
- Women Can Be Violent Too
Other Helpful Resources
I have also listed some of the books that helped me in my journey to find healing from the abuse and trauma I suffered as a child; and some of the quotes that have been exceptionally meaningful to me.
I’m not sure if these books are all still in print but these days with Ebay and other sites hopefully you’ll be able to find at least some of them. Some are Christian; some are not. Some are Australian; some are not. But all were instrumental in my journey to healing and making sense of all that I have been through.
“Finding a way to express yourself creatively is really important to healing.”
“After my mother’s death, I struggled to deal with my strange grief – grief for her in her wasted painful life, for a mother I had not had, for something I sensed but did not know, for a normal life with a normal mother that I would never have.”
“Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling – don’t try and feel like forgiving. It is an act of the will . . . We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we choose to extend forgiveness to our fathers, our mothers, those who hurt us . . . It might help to remember that those who hurt you were also deeply wounded themselves.”
- Mason, Paul T & Kreger, Randi. Stop Walking on Eggshells
I always said that if I ever wrote a book about my childhood it would be called “Treading on Eggshells” – because that is what it felt like, being raised by my mother. As I read the back cover of this book, the tears began to pour down my cheeks. At last, I had a name for what was wrong with my mother. And even better – it wasn’t my fault!
“Stop Walking on Eggshells” is subtitled “taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder (BPD)”. The publisher describes it as “a self-help guide that helps the family members and friends of individuals with BPD understand this self-destructive disorder and learn what they can do to cope with it and take care of themselves. It is designed to help them understand how the disorder affects their loved ones and recognize what they can do to get off the emotional roller coasters and take care of themselves.” I learnt that there is just no pleasing somebody with BPD, that they blame anybody but themselves for what is wrong with their lives, and that the boundaries are constantly being changed. No wonder my childhood was so confusing. Reading this book was tremendously liberating for me, and finally helped me to make sense of my childhood trauma.
God told Joyce Meyer, “Abuse may be the reason you act this way, but don’t let it become an excuse to stay this way!”
“I was a controller, so filled with fear that the only way I could face life was to feel that I was in control, and then no one could hurt me.”
“I don’t remember ever being fully relaxed and truly happy as a child. I don’t believe that anyone can enjoy life while living in constant fear.”
“As a result of having been abused for so long, I developed a very independent personality … Early in life I came to the conclusion that if I took care of myself and never asked anyone for anything, then I would get hurt less.”
- Morris, Deborah with Lewis, Gregg. Forgiving the Dead Man Walking.
Debbie’s counsellor, Dr Terry Hargrave divides the work of forgiveness into two areas or goals: salvage and restoration. Sometimes the only reasonable goal can be “salvaged forgiveness”. The victim needs to find a way to get over the incident, to minimize the damage, to get on with the healing, to learn from the experience, and to move on. Salvaged forgiveness is the practical alternative if the abuser does not repent, or perhaps they are deceased.
“I believe in the definition of forgiveness that involves you renouncing anger or resentment against that person, but does not excuse or pardon them for their harmful actions, nor does it require you to stay involved with them in any concrete way … Your forgiveness is not for their sake, it is for yours.”
Some children unfortunately just have “evil” parents …parents who “derive benefit or pleasure from the suffering of their child, and has virtually no guilt, shame, or compassion for the suffering.” Schlessinger believes these parents have long since torn up their parent card. “When a parent is dangerous or destructive, their presence should be minimized or eliminated altogether. People have a right to self-defense.”
“The ‘cure’ comes in being able to become a loving mother to oneself – and to one’s children – in spite of having a poor role model upon which to pattern our maternity. The victory is in choosing not to be victims of the past but, instead, in breaking the cycle . . . We cannot rewrite history, but we can redirect the future.”
“The first step toward recovery, then is recollection . . . the second step is to allow the feelings of loss to surface rather than . . . bubble up in other relationships. When we can recognise that we are . . . entitled to feel anger (but not to act on it – awareness is not a license to kill), then we are able to let go of that anger and not be controlled by it.”
“Reconnection with such a mother is like walking into a propellor. There are some mothers who are so destructive that a relationship with them is an exercise in masochism.” However, Secunda believes that if you do “divorce” your parent, it should be with the understanding that the door is not nailed shut on any possibility of reconciliation.
“Good physical health is likely to encourage good mental health, and both are likely to affect the spiritual aspects of our life.”
“It is crucial to recognise that depressed patients, even those with less severe depression, have more disability than persons with chronic physical diseases like heart disease, diabetes and arthritis.”
“Ignorance about depression is a major obstacle..for nothing could be more misguided than the belief that a depressed person can be helped out of their depression by distraction, or the injunction to try harder. Criticism…can make things much worse and even cause a relapse.”
And a great big hug if you too are a survivor of a toxic parent. Please feel free to leave your comment below.